Thursday, August 12, 2010

Itt's been a while

I was sitting here tonight thinking how strange life can truly be. Our great nephew and his girlfriend were found in their apt shot in the head. We are just devastated. I can't believe the things Satan tries to put in our path to make us either go get high and die, or just die.
I have moments that I am inconsolable, and then I see my 4 grand babies and thank Heavenly Father for the many blessings I have received. I find it so hard to say anything to anyone because I want to just stay at home and not talk. I thought of calling people in the church, I thought of calling people in Recovery. The only calls I could make were to the rest of my family and my sponsor. No one knew he was in trouble, no signs what so ever. Why? He was just a baby of 21. How do you try to console the mother, your niece, when you are so grateful it wasn't your own sweet baby?
I am so torn. I just wish that he had talked to someone. I understand free agency. I know why we were given it. I just don't like it sometimes. I pray that we as a family can get through this. I have been over and over in my mind what I should say when I see the rest of the family and nothing comes to mind.
I feel lost. I want to scream, cry, spit, kick, and then throw a fit! I was on my way home from work earlier and realized that my sister in law had to go through this as a grandmother. Her grandson shot his girlfriend and then himself. What could have been going through his mind? Why didn't he call? I can't fix it! I can't make it better, I can't bend my will in this or be manipulative. What does a family do? How do people deal with this?
I also thought about the addicts that never make it back in the rooms. The last time they use they die. There is no other chance for them to make it back in the rooms. How do they do it? what makes them think that they are so unloved? Don't they know that they are important to someone? What about the ones they leave behind? Does that ever cross the mind before it's too late? Why do they think that they can be so selfish? What gives them the right to take the easier softer way? We all want to run away and never look back. I know meds help me. I am grateful for the people that went to school to save me when I start thinking that that is the solution.
Suicide isn't the answer!
I don't care who you are in this world I love you! If you ever think that you aren't loved, remember that God loves you and so do I!
Keep your babies close to your heart tonight and never let a day go by without telling them how much you love them! I was able to tell Zach that I loved him. I hope he knew that when the end came.
I am grateful for the opportunities to be able to have people call me when I can't bring myself to call them!


  1. you are in my prayers my friend. take care of you and work on step one for a while, just a refresher...

  2. Thanks, I needed that. Much love to to you.

  3. i like your post darra....i always visit your blogs if i have vacant time...