Wednesday, January 28, 2009

In Memory of my daughter

I know that her birthday is actually tomorrow, but I am not sure how I will be then. Tomorrow Ariel would have been 17 years old. She was so small. You would never believe how tiny a little one could be. She was the most delicate one I have ever seen.

I wonder what she would like, who she would be, how she would hold herself, the little things.

She was born Jan 29, 1992 and passed away Feb 3, 1992. Let me take you back with me a little.

I will never forget the day I was told I was pregnant with her. My ex-husband told me that I was crazy all of the time and I always thought I was pregnant. I knew with her. I knew that day in the office in the German hospital that I was having a girl as well. No one knew how I was feeling at that moment.

I had decided that I needed to make a choice of staying with my ex-husband or not. I decided to come back to the states for a few months and decide here. I was huge already! I found out in August, I wasn't due for a while, but I felt like a cow! I was whopping 120 lbs soaking wet at that point. I had decided to take really good care of myself this pregnancy and not drink or whatever else. I had already given birth to one child that had problems. I wanted a healthy little girl.

I came to stay with my mom and her kids for a couple of months until My ex came home on leave and then I could decide. I craved Ding Dongs like CRAZY! I also wanted milk and cookies all of the time. I went to my doctors appointments regularly and everything. When my ex came home on leave I ended up falling down the stairs and I kept having these horrific nightmares that I lost Ariel. I had her name picked out already. I went to the doctor to ensure that all was fine still and that I could travel. Obviously I made the decision to go back.

There is a lot I am leaving out to protect the innocent (well, they weren't that innocent), but anyway, I get back to Germany on one of the worst flights imaginable. My ex has turned into a total d###. Everything I did was wrong! I started regretting my decision immediately. I wanted my mom, anybody. He starts telling me to get the house cleaner because I'm not doing it well enough, and that I should go to the gym and get some of the weight worked off that I'm gaining.

I started feeling even more worthless than before I left. I had already started having contractions at this point and I'm being told that I need to do more. I got up one day to take care of my oldest son and then made dinner for him and my ex. I went to lay down and I my water burst that night. I felt so much guilt for not doing what the doctor told me to I wanted to die. We go to the first hospital and they stick me in a room for 3 days to let me go into labor naturally. I never did.

I was told the 3rd day that when Ariel came into the world they would lay her on a table and let her die since there would be no hope anyway. I died that moment. I made my ex take me to another hospital that would at least try to help her. We got there and by that time we were both so infected that they thought that neither of us were going to live through the ordeal. They let me eat a meal and started the enduction the following morning after administering tons of antibiotics to try to let me live at least.

I went into labor finally and delivered after several hours of HELL! I wanted to hold her. I knew for sure that she was dead I kept screaming out, how my only girl was dead, and that I hated my ex, and I hated God! How could this happen to me. what had I done to deserve such torture! I wanted to die. I wanted them to take me too and I never wanted to leave her. I was then told she was still alive and they took her out of the room to help her!

I had some hope, I still didn't carry much. If she did die I would find a way to be with her. I went to my room and they got me fixed up and her as well, I wasn't allowed to breast feed because my milk wasn't ready. I went to see her in the incubator. You could see through her skin. I wanted to hold her, but my ex told me no. I would never let go if I did. I just sat there and prayed.

I never did get to hold my angel. She died after I left the hospital. I got a phone call to tell me she had passed. We shipped her body home on Valentines day that year and buried her 3 days later I think. I hated my ex for so long that I thought that he would burst in flames everytime I looked at him. I no longer hate him. I feel so much pitty for him. He is a very unhappy man from

what I understand. I have since been sealed to my baby along with my husband DeWayne for all time and eternity. I would not have Brandon if I had not lost Ariel. I love him so much that I can't begin to tell anyone. They didn't think that I would be able to carry him. He is a miracle. I chose not to have anymore children to not hurt myself. Sometimes I wish I would have tried again for a girl, but I am so blessed with all of the beautiful girls around me. Heavenly Father blessed me after all!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

So very grateful

I was just fiddling with facebook the other day and sent a message to a woman with no expectations except that I would be thought of as crazy again, and I get a reply that this is the same person I have been looking for for years!!!!

I started crying I had to compose myself! It was so awesome to hear from her and to know that she found happiness finally when she didn't think she would. I can remember so many years ago the help and encouragement she gave me when I didn't think that I deserved any and she was incredible!

Anyway, I am going to do H&I tonight and I am looking forward to it. I was at a function this weekend and someone who knew me ( I only recognized the face ) called me by name and hugged me tight and thanked me for being one who helped get her clean...

I stood there confused a moment until she told me that I had taken meetings into the jail when she was there and that she looked so forward to being able to go to her first meeting outside of jail because of that. It started her journey. I wept. (I weep a lot if you have't figured that out yet) My Higher Power helped me to see what exactly my service is doing for the area and the Fellowship around me. Sometimes I feel as if I don't do enough. I know that I do in my heart. I can't carry the Fellowship. When things have to get done they get done. Not because of me, but because our Higher Power takes care to make sure it's done. If we think we are in control today, our Higher Power laughs his butt off!

I don't want that control. I can only control the nose on my face and what's behind it nothing else! I LOVE RECOVERY!!!!!!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

As I sit here

It souds like I sit alot, but I feel like I never get a moment to breathe. I have finally got a little caught up on some reading. I must thank CNC for the reward and comments. She is my best friend and keeps me on the sane side of life when I am llosing my mind!

Today has been an insane day. I do not want another one like it any time soon. It's not like I did anything that doesn't happen on a usual day, it just felt overwhelming!!!!! I have got to learn that two letter word! No!

I was encouraged to yell out HELL NO earlier by CNC, unfortunately that can be taken the wrong way sometimes or taken out of context. I have had so many things going through my brain today.

I want to find out what options I have since the whole world seems to be getting laid off! I was told that a lot of the Aircraft companies are able to let thier workers go to school while drawing unemployment! Don't get me started. Actually, no I want to say it.

I have worked since I was 16 years old non-stop trying to make a better life for me and my family. Most of us do. I came from a life of complete poverty. We had nothing. I remember a time that we dug through garbage to get aluminum to sell just to eat. I also remember the bleeding hands from the pecans that we picked in the dead of winter for the farmers to eat maybe hot dogs smothered in barbeque sauce just to cover the taste. Or beans for 2 weeks straight and who had money for rice? Now I hurt in my hands and my knees.

I really am getting to a point. I am to the point now where I sit back and watch people that come out of the State building dressed in 200.00 jeans and Coach bags and yet they get help. I am there taking my mother who is completely disabled and can't walk without a walker anymore to get foodstamps after she was denied for 15 YEARS! She supposedly made too much! WHAT??????

I am trying to figure out what has happened to our country. I understand people that need help, I do, but the ones that don't really hack me off! I want to work and can't find a job, My husband finds out Friday when his last day is and I just get so sick to my stomach about it all. I really wonder how those people that drive away from the State Building in Cadillacs sleep at night.

I wouldn't be able to. I know that I kind of went off there, sorry. I am just trying to get the emotions out that have been oent up for a while. I know that it's going to be even harder to find work soon, and just getting worried. I know to worry is a lack of faith. I try not to worry too much anymore. I just swore that I would never live as I did before. I get a little wierd about the whole poverty thing. My children have never seen times like these. They would die if they had no cable. It's about to go!

I have been reading this book called the total money makeover. It's really good. Anyway, I will get off of my high horse now and get on to bed hopefully. I don't really sleep well without my husband here because of house noises. They drive me nuts. I hope all of you have a great day tomorrow!!!!

Friday, January 23, 2009


I was sitting here relaxing a moment. (I really don't get that pleasure very often) I figured I would jot a few things that are in my head down and get them out! My son had surgery two days ago and he is laid up on the blow up mattress in my living room. I am a little stressed! :) I feel as if my hair is going fifty million directions and I know it's not!

He is doing well, I just feel out of sorts I guess. I haven't really been taking care of myself in all of it. I have been really bitchy and in dire need of sleep! I am going to sleep this weekend if it kills me! I know that if I don't I will not feel any better.

I still haven't heard about my only job interview that I've been on and I'm trying not to project about that. It is really hard to stay in today sometimes.

Monday, January 19, 2009


I'm sitting here watching a movie with my little niece Destaney, now Jasmine is here. I love them so much! I feel like I have been blessed with girls from my brothers. They are so beautiful, and I am allowed to spoil them ROTTEN!!!!! I will type more later.


You know my Higher Power must have a great sense of humor. I say that with all sincerity. I was supposed to go to the doctor with my sister today and see what they said about a softball sized lump in her breast. Well, to sum it up, the first appointment for the sonogram of it was not able to be kept and they had to just keep the actual mammogram.

Now just as I was driving to the appointment I call her to tell her I'm running late, she tells me this. I'm the QUEEN of Control Freaks! So I ask her if she is okay with Lance going with or if she wants me there. She tells me that she wants to call me and tell me what they say. I have to accept what she said. Now I was not sure that she was being honest or not, but I had to accept it it. I cried.

I got out of my car in front of my house and went in to wait and find out the results of the mammogram later. I am sitting there and the phone rings and my sister tells me that the systems are down and they can't run the tests until the 28th! How absolutely annoying!!!!!

I sat there a moment and then asked the most stupid question, Are you okay with that? She says to me in her 24 yr old infinite wisdom I kind of have to be don't I? I sat there stunned and a little speechless for a moment. I agreed then let her know that I would be here for her if she needed me.

Like I said, My Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor. I get little lessons in life when I need them. I am okay with it and will put this in my God box.

Thanks for listening!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Just For Today

I was sitting in a meeting tonight and I lead the Friday meeting at my Home group, which my feeling is the best home group on the planet! Anyway, back to what I was saying, I like to shake things up and piss people off once in a while so I wrote a few topics on pieces of paper and and people draw the paper out of the bucket to share what their Higher Power felt was signifigant for them.

I wanted them to not look at what they had drawn until it was time to share, but people have a way about them and do whatever they want! It was one of the best meetings I have attended in a long time! I got so much out of it because people shared from the heart and from what their Higher Power wanted, not what they wanted.

I heard about grief over dope, I heard about taking things a day at a time, the 1st step, resentments and denial of them, and most of all I heard of HOPE!

My Higher Power has placed things and people in my life that I have to be so very grateful for. I love the way that He allows me to be me, and teaches me acceptance, patience, and tolerance of others on a daily basis.

I went for my interview today and I have hope today. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be employed again. I survived the interview! That in and of itself was great! Normally they only take about 2 hours, Mine was past the parking time limit for visitors parking! I think that is a good sign.

I am loving life today and I have given my will and my life over to the God of my understanding. Sometimes I admit that I take that back. Today, I don't want it. I need that off of me to sleep well and get over being sick. I am grateful to those who come to my meetings and share their recovery with me.

Also thank you to Syd and Clean and Crazy for sharing with me as well! much love!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Today is today

Well, I took Brandon in to find out when he has to have his Ortho surgery on his knees. Both of them have to be worked on and I am a little worried. I know that to worry is a lack of faith. I trust that my Higher Power will guide the surgeon's hand, I am more worried about Brandon taking the pain medicine.

I don't get tempted to steal it by any means, I just can't stand the way he gets while taking it. He becomes very irritable. Like your typical junkie. I will pray my bum off during this time and call my sponsor a lot!

I apologize, I sometimes have a lot of things bounce in and out of my head so if I go a little haywire that is why! My sister-in-law was briefly shown on American Idol last night! That was exciting. I get a little envious of the youth sometimes! I would not change the fact that I am older though. I don't want to re-live anything at all! Once was enough!!!!

I have this cough that isn't going away again. It started as a stomache ache on Friday of last week and everything went haywire afterward. I am not sure what the deal is. I will be glad when it's gone though!!!:)

Well, I think I've bored you enough I am going to a meeting tonight. Much love!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Time has passed

I am sitting here again, this time the day has passed and it's almost tomorrow. I have had such a Wonderful Birthday!!!!!
I have learned how to use this whole Blog thing, (well, sort of) and I also updated Myspace, Facebook, AND Get ready for it........ I have and interview FRIDAY!!!!! Woo HOOO!!!!!
I can't friggin wait! I needed this so badly. I talked to all of my kids today, they all called me but one daughter. I'm okay with that! I was able to talk to my best friend, and my lil' man called me to tell me happy birthday too!

I'm sad that tomorrow is the anniversary of my best friend's mom's death, but I know that I will see her again, and I also know that I can be there for her and her girls. A while back that wasn't possible. Just recently, I was so overwhelmed at the fact that they are still in my life and that we are so close.

I love her children so much, and she has the most beautiful heart. Sometimes I don't think she knows just how strong she is. Sometimes I get envious that she got the girls, but I enjoy the fact that they are in my life so much the envy goes out the window!

My baby's birthday is at the end of this month. She would have been 17 this year. I wonder what she would be like. My heart aches at times, but other times it doesn't. I think that after so long, Heavenly Father allows us to just to be. It's been at least a year since I've been to her graveside. I want to go, but I don't.

One day, I will hold her like I wasn't able to do here on earth. I really am okay about it all at this point I think. I went to a meeting the other day and ran into a woman I hung out with as a youth, and she was around during that time in my life. She still can't listen to "The Dance" to this day. It's definitely hard for me too.

I was also looking at pictures of the ones that I love here with me in life today. I am so very blessed with the men that I have in my life, and my youngest is very handsome. I would not have him at all if I hadn't lost my daughter. I Love him so much!

It's late, and I have to take that baby to the Ortho Surgeon tomorrow morning. Life on lif'e terms!
I am sitting here today thinking about the fact that I'm 37 yrs old today, and I'm not employed right now, and really have no idea what I want to be! I have thought for years that I should be a daycare provider but I have raised my kids! I don't want to raise anyone elses! I'll have to write more later

I'm back, I was sitting her looking through photos of my gorgeous grandchildren on myspace accounts, and realized that I am listed as Step Mom under one of my kids. I have never thought of them like that and it just hurt. I took it way personal. I thought we got through that when the girls were like 5 and 7. It just reopened that old wound of the EVIL STEP MOTHER!!!!!! I hate that. I know I never gave birth to them, but I know I have been even more of a mother even far away than their own mom there in the same city.