Hello

This picture is my son and my grandbaby Ava on Halloween! My friend took the picture, Isn't she awesome?




Nothing so dramatic to report today! I am in such a good space! I love my life and I am now trying to eat better and not do stupid stuff, like drink regular soda and such! We have mice and I swear they will be the death of me was working! Anyway just checking in and had to share the love!!!!

What the Crap!

I'm laying bed sleeping hard, oh my Gosh! I feel like someones sitting on my chest, and my heart is racing. I don't understand, WHAT'S Happening to me??????? I'm having a heart ????? What am I supposed to do? I know I'm just imagining this! no way... Yes way! My heart is bating so hard it appears to be moving my entire body. I finally call my Doctors office an speak to the nurse.
We need you to come NOW! I get up no shower, and get straight to the office. The nurse looks at me and asks the question I never thought I would hear. Why haven't you filed for disability yet??? WHAT? I never have even dreamed of that. I have to work, We need insurance, yet we don't have it and here I am at the dr's office with no money and no insurance, I'm feeling as if I'm dying and can't breathe. What was I thinking. My baby has been fighting for his disability for 3 years and keeps getting denied! I can't breathe, my chest hurts! make it stop! Please God make it stop!!!!
Well I get hooked up to the machine that they have used on my son so many times I can't count an yet now it's on me! What's going on? I just started seeing my grandbaby! I can't die now!!! Please stop this!!! I can't get signal to call my husband, I'm alone. We need to get that heart rate down huh? My wonderful doctor states so eloquently.. Then Shit this isn't working. Damn it! I didn't think this would do..... What the crap! I ask my doc okay, what's going on. Oh you are in tachicardia, we just need to have you go to another doctor and he's going to give you an injection if he isn't able to stop this. Here's his address and phone# get there quickly, he will see you now and knows you don't have insurance. There will be no payment required today. Oh my God what does this all mean??? I don't understand! Ok, I drive to the other doctors office which felt like an ETERNITY!!!!! We can't get your heart rate down, and your blood pressure is low, Can you lay here? Aw that feels a little better, then It feels like a 1000 lb weight on me. I feel dizzy! Well we don't do the injections here honey you have to be admitted to get them done. WHAT???? Oh no! What do i tell my husband. We don't have the money, What are we going to do?
Heavenly Father has blessed us so much already, can he spare any more?
He's almighty he can do anything. Okay, my heart rate is slowed now 4 and half hours later. You do realize that you will be on this medication for the rest of your life? You can not stop taking this unless we taper it down.. What causes this? A lot of different things, one being the fact that I did a lot of sped the oter that my thyroid may not be working properly. another could be the diabetes. What else?? I really try to not think that way. I am so very blessd that I am alive and can tell you about it. My little brother is one of those that experiences voices and has gotten a degree from web MD and suggested that it was an anxiety attack. Yeah okay. Thankfully I trusted an actual doc to tell me. Doesn't mean I don't love him, I just freak out sometimes when he wants to diagnose me or anyone else. Thanks for letting me get this crap out! I needed it

The story of my life!

I have had the most wonderful weekend! I spent a couple of hours with my grandbaby on Saturday and felt like a million bucks! today I went to my grandson's baby shower! It's incredible being a grandparent. I cannot explain how wonderful the feeling is. I wish everyone else could feel the joy in my heart.
I've been thinking about a few things today and realized there is nothing I want more than to be alive today. I have 5 beautiful children and two nephews that I am raising and have been so blessed. I am waiting for my lawsuit to be done and then I can get a surgery I have been waiting what feels like an eternity on.
My mother was released from the hospital today and is much better. I know this too shall pass, but I like basking in the happiness for a bit! My friend took pictures of my grandbaby, they are gorgeous the ones I've seen anyway. I want to get a 8x10! They are so clear and perfect!!!!! anyway just rambling! Have a Wonderful day!!!!

More Pics!!!!!!

hey

I am not good at this Blogging thing, I am still sick and don't have insurance to go to the doctor. I won't go to the emergency room because there isn't any point in getting others even sicker still. I sit back and watch how my family even the ones on state assisstance or Govt insurance struggle to pay the copays for their medications. My mother for example. Right now is hospitalized with Congestive Heart Failure and liquid has been filling her lungs and around her heart. It's just a matter of time. She couldn't get any assisstance for 15 years for food and yet there are people who get everything because they live dishonestly and who pays for it? Me! I pay my bills and live honestly. There are others who I know that do the same and yet we get screwed. I know that today we have the same issues they did years ago, the only difference is that the Govt spends all kind kinds of money on stupid stuff that doesn't amount to anything worth wise, but we owe TRILLIONS of dollars. That is what the Govt does for us. Puts us further in debt!

I went and purchased a car during that cash for clunkers Cluster **** and got screwed with no lube! The car is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but who can pay for them now with no jobs!!!! KS got a ton of revenue from the stimulus and there were supposedly 6500 jobs.... And those are where exactly?

Luckily, I am great at what I do and was able to find a job quickly, but for a fraction of what I made before! I remember a time as a child that we couldn't eat on what they gave us from the state, and did what we had to to eat. I NEVER will be there again! Never!
I want more than anything the opportunity to show my kids the right way to live, but it gets harder and harder.


On a more positive note, I spent a couple of hours with my absolutely GORGEOUS grand daughter! I have been so on cloud 9 ever since! If I died right now I couldn't be happier! She is a complete love bug and the most wonderful thing is that she's so smart! She knows I'm her grandma and knows her Daddy, now she know her grandpa too! I was so upset for the longest time because, to not get his heart broken he wouldn't see her! Now the courts are involved and there is no going back!
I have written her so many unsent letters, (grand daughter) Now I get to tell her and see her and hold her. And let her FEEL my love! Heavenly Father has blessed me so much that I am just Full of gratitude! The best part of all of it is that She will carry on a part of us! My son has so much love for her and to watch them togather is so fulfilling. I love my children and grandchildren so much. I am the happiest when I am around them. I have been blessed with 2 more on the way!!!!

WOW

I messed up and hit enter too fast! I am sitting here sick and thinking to myself that it's going to be a very long night!

My mother is in the hospital with fluid on her heart and lungs, I spent one of the most wonderful afternoons with my lovely Granddaughter yesterday.

I had the strange dreams during my fever earlier and kept dreaming of the ones that are dead. I miss them so badly sometimes and I was able to see them in my dreams. I think we are given so much as gifts that there really is no way to say thank you enough! I celebrated 7 years clean Sept 14th and love Recovery. I haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks now and definitely feel it. I figured I had better catch all up. Sorry it's been so long. The baby in my photo is back in my life again,, and it is so wonderful!All I can say is that Dreams do come true and prayers are answered in God's time, not ours!

WOW!!!