Saturday, January 19, 2013

Sometimes I could just scream, sometimes I could cry

So for months now I haven't talked to who I thought was my best friend. She posted some really offensive things on Facebook for months. The worst of it was the final straw when I see a picture of the Mormon presidential candidate in his garments. That is something that is so sacred and private and for it to be exploited like that by her , knowing that I too in fact am Mormon took the cake. I attempted to call her several times to try and talk to her about the situation, but she wouldn't answer. At that point I removed her from my Facebook page to avoid seeing the nonspiritual posts any longer.

I hadn't heard from her in sometime and then one morning out of the blue she calls me to talk about going to Region to talk about a Region phone line idea she had been working idea she had. That was it. I didn't talk to her again. Finally I left her a email to tell her that I loved her and that I was thinking about her. I did this a few times, and then January 1st I receive the most hateful email from her that you can imagine. She tells me to stop harassing her, and how all I want is to be around when she's miserable. That I'm jealous of her happiness, and ten tons of other horrible lies that just devastated me. I called my sponsor because the first thing I wanted to do was retaliate with an email and let her know how wrong she was and that her husband is getting loaded, and be mean and spiteful. Spiritually, that would be wrong. I didn't do that. I am still hurt and angry. I keep praying that she gets her crap together and doesn't get loaded out of it.

Then there is my child. He and his wife moved in in August. They haven't paid a dime in rent. They did get Food Stamps for a while, but they wanted to spend it on what they wanted to even though, we paid all of the household bills and when they ran out of the easy stuff to cook they would eat what we bought too. So here we are months later after hundreds and hundreds of dollars of gas and cigarettes being spent on them, food and shelter as well, and I ask for a total of 27.00 of stuff to be bought and to be paid back for their portion of lunch that I was told I would be paid back for, and I'm told so the money I spent to help you get your phone and the paper towels meant nothing? Are you fricking kidding me???????? I am so tired of people being ungrateful jerks all of the time! Now if I go buy soda tomorrow, they will drink it. Will they buy it? NO!!!

Then there is the other room mate. She has lived with us before. She gets weird sometimes and then shortly after that she's loaded. Well, she's had a lot of stomach issues recently. She stayed in the hospital for 6 days and they did a scope and found out she has cancer in her stomach. I empathize with that. I truly do. What bothers me is when she tells me one thing and then does another, or lies to me. I hate it! She did it again tonight! I do not have stupid tatooed across my forehead!

Then there is my husband. I am not complaining. I love him more than life itself. I get frustrated when I feel like he gets over the top angry over nothing. I know he needs meds! He is so against needing them and it irritates me! He yells all of the time. He gets mad at the drop of a hat. no one can say anything. It just adds more stress on me. I want him to be happy and relax a little. I guess I just need to pray for him more.

Friday, September 14, 2012


Well Hello,
      It's been a long time. To catch everyone up on life for me, I am happy to say that I celebrated 10 years clean today. I am so grateful for my life and my Recovery in Narcotics Anonymous. I have an awesome sponsor and I attend a couple of wonderful meetings weekly. I know I would not be able to keep it together without mainaining some semblance of working a program regularly. I still work and live the steps and call my sponsor pretty regularly. I recently went down and saw her and my sister sponsees. It was incredible. I needed it. I felt so refreshed, and ready to conquer even more.

    We now have a seventh grandchild. Gage. He is 3 months old. Toni Marie is almost 2. That is how long it has been since I've been on here. My oldest granddaughter turned 5 this year! My oldest grandson is going to turn 3 soon, and the ones Missouri are gonna be 4 and 3! Kaleigh will be 2 this year as well! So I just told my granddaughter that I'm 10 years old today, she said "What?! Why didn't you tell me"? I showed her my coin. She said. "Are you sure your telling the truth"? I said "well, I'm 40, but I have 10 years clean today" she then asked if I went to a meeting. I said yes. She cracks me up! She is such a little grown up! I can't wait for the others to get a little older so they can be more independent too.    

Monday, December 27, 2010


Wow, it's been since Aug! I have been busy! I quit my job, haven't found one yet! Sometimes we make bad decisions! It will be ok though. Heavenly Father will guide me. I have a few leads and school starts in January. I only made a 2.14 gpa last semester. I'm told that isn't too bad. I wanted a better one. I will try to work harder this time! Maybe even study! What a concept! Anyway, just wanted to catch up some!

The biggest news is that I have another grandchild! Her name is Kaleigh Lynn and she's gorgeous!

DeWayne and I just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary on the 15th of December! Life truly is good! I hope that 2011 is a prosperous year and you and yours get everything that you need.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Itt's been a while

I was sitting here tonight thinking how strange life can truly be. Our great nephew and his girlfriend were found in their apt shot in the head. We are just devastated. I can't believe the things Satan tries to put in our path to make us either go get high and die, or just die.
I have moments that I am inconsolable, and then I see my 4 grand babies and thank Heavenly Father for the many blessings I have received. I find it so hard to say anything to anyone because I want to just stay at home and not talk. I thought of calling people in the church, I thought of calling people in Recovery. The only calls I could make were to the rest of my family and my sponsor. No one knew he was in trouble, no signs what so ever. Why? He was just a baby of 21. How do you try to console the mother, your niece, when you are so grateful it wasn't your own sweet baby?
I am so torn. I just wish that he had talked to someone. I understand free agency. I know why we were given it. I just don't like it sometimes. I pray that we as a family can get through this. I have been over and over in my mind what I should say when I see the rest of the family and nothing comes to mind.
I feel lost. I want to scream, cry, spit, kick, and then throw a fit! I was on my way home from work earlier and realized that my sister in law had to go through this as a grandmother. Her grandson shot his girlfriend and then himself. What could have been going through his mind? Why didn't he call? I can't fix it! I can't make it better, I can't bend my will in this or be manipulative. What does a family do? How do people deal with this?
I also thought about the addicts that never make it back in the rooms. The last time they use they die. There is no other chance for them to make it back in the rooms. How do they do it? what makes them think that they are so unloved? Don't they know that they are important to someone? What about the ones they leave behind? Does that ever cross the mind before it's too late? Why do they think that they can be so selfish? What gives them the right to take the easier softer way? We all want to run away and never look back. I know meds help me. I am grateful for the people that went to school to save me when I start thinking that that is the solution.
Suicide isn't the answer!
I don't care who you are in this world I love you! If you ever think that you aren't loved, remember that God loves you and so do I!
Keep your babies close to your heart tonight and never let a day go by without telling them how much you love them! I was able to tell Zach that I loved him. I hope he knew that when the end came.
I am grateful for the opportunities to be able to have people call me when I can't bring myself to call them!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Well, hello again.
It's a wonderful day to be clean! I am sitting here with my niece and grand daughter, watching Harry Potter. I love these movies!

We have a lot to be greatful for! Our garden is flourishing and so are the grand kids! I love getting updates on them frequently.

I start school this August and I am excited! I can;t wait to start! I am a little worried about life right now. I am not sure what will happen next, but who can say! Anyway, I went and visited mom today. She looks well, and I'm positive she can get well enough to come home.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

ok, the date is getting later, The year is going on and passing me by! I enrolled in school today! I am so happy about that. I am just sad about my friend's daughter, yet I know I'll see her again. She no longer is suffering. I think the biggest thing is that my son'd mortality is more in my face than ever. I get so worried about him, he's 21, and was born with 3 major heart defects. I am more worried than ever. He gets so tired all of the time and that usually is a sign that it's getting close to the time for another surgery. I am afraid for him. He has an 80 yr old's heart at this point. I just worry. As for the life going on around me, my mom is still in the hospital, has been there since before Thanksgiving. I just hope she gets well enough to go home soon! My Grand kids are awesome!!!! Ava the oldest is growing so fast! She says things like " you're killing me", and sings about her mema and pepa! It's wonderful! Preston is already 5 and a half months old! We've had another grandson and it's getting closer to Alyssa's 2nd birthday! Where does all of the time go?

Well, I planted a huge garden this year and OM It's just flourishing!!!! I will try to catch up sooner next time!

Thursday, December 10, 2009


cooked long enough! Yo'ull get here soon! I am so very greatful for the Spoynsor my Heavenly Father helped me choose! I am greatful for the friends that keep me grounded and not so crazy! I can just say that I am loved and I love today! The greatest gifts are from above! I am so greatful for Christ's atoneing sacrifice and that we are able to be forgiven if we allow that. My faith just continues to grow and my love for the program and my faith in Heavenly Father.