Monday, March 30, 2009

Hey all!

Wow! I'm back out here working and I have a little time before I can go to any appointments so I figured I would share a little!

I was driving to this motel and realized that I am so at peace out here. I am more in tune with my Heavenly Father here then at home. I love to see the stars and the peacefulness I feel out here away from the big city! I miss my husband and kids about Wed and then when I get home, I am ready to come back.

I am really proud of myself and how well I'm doing. I know that I could do better, but this is only week three. I am ttrying not to be a perfectionist!!!! Good luck with that right? Since when am I not? Anyway, It's awesome today, and I am so glad to be alive and breathing! I love life!!!!!
The picture above is 12-15-2007 The day that my husband, myself and my son were sealed in the temple for all of time and eternity as a family!!!! One of the best days of my life!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Hello Fellow Bloggers!!!!

Long time no talk too! I have been working, working, working!I absolutely love what I do now! I finally started my new job and my first week I sold 4 apps and cleared over 700 bucks!!!! this week was over 900! I have never felt more in control of what I bring home! Not only that, but I totally believe in it! that's the best part. I want to do it all of the time now. I am always trying to figure a way to tweek this or that and talk about that.
I love the fact that I get to travel and be on the road with my Heavenly Father and be connected with nature. I see the beauty of the earth every morning and night and I am so very grateful for it. I was driving back to my home Wed because of an impending storm and I looked up and so the most incredible sky full of the most Heavenly Stars! I realized that earth is such a small of the vast universe. It's so amazing! I would love to be on a boat sometime to check it out!
I know that I can't type too long, and that I need to take pictures! I keep leaving my camera! I will end up taking at some point. Who would have thought that flat Kansas had canyons and total beauty to it? I didn't because I had never experienced it! Again, I am so very grateful!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Wow, what an emotional day!

I woke up this morning as I usually do to the phone ringing and it being the love of my life to make sure that I was able to wake the boys up to go to seminary. I got up and proceeded to start my day as usual. I sat down with my husband and had a small bite to eat and after we got done, there is a knock at the door.

It's a Sheriff delivering papers for me and my nephew to appear in court in April over something that occurred back in Nov. I was just starting to process the idea that he is going to be leaving our home permanently and the other shoe drops, only this time much faster and harder. My son calls me to tell me that my youngest brother hasn't been seen or heard from since 11pm the night before and the last anyone heard he was going to kill himself. I sat there completely stupid for a few moments not knowing how to react.

I started having all kinds of thoughts run through my head. I watch way too much crime drama on TV! I kept thinking about how we would find him. I was starting to get freaked out. I told my husband that we needed to go look for him and so we went to one of the lakes that are close by. He thankfully wasn't there. He showed back up later in the afternoon OK, and upset. I could have killed him! the only thing that I could do was hold him in my arms. I cried and cried, I had attempted to go to a meeting here and was told it was a closed meeting. I had my niece with me because my sponsor told me to take hold of something that I loved and don't let go for a while. I didn't get to go to the meeting then. I ended up going tonight.

I only needed to be held up. I felt extremely abandoned again. I knew my sponsor was a phone call away, but the people that I should have been able to turn to, I didn't get to. That hurt me.

I'm okay now and I don't hold a resentment at this point. I hope that no one else ever has to go through what I did today.

I am so very grateful for being clean. Thank you for allowing me to share.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

There is a Power greater than me!

We can joke about things all of the time and for some that's okay, but today, I again it was proven to me. I was studying trying to get ready for my exam to get my license again, and I got this complete sense of peace. I decided to take care of a few things before I left and then I would read some more befor I got up there to test. I pulled in, parked my car, and read two paragraphs and stopped. I said a prayer vocally, and just waited a moment. I then read a few things out of my mini-book and I put it in my Heavenly Father's hands. I passed. I am learning to let go and let God take control once in a while. I start working next Monday!!!!!! I am so excited. I know that I can do Anything with my Heavenly Father's help if it is His will and not my own!

Thank you Narcotics Anonymous, because I wouldn't have found my Heavenly Father without the help of my sponsor and the steps. I look forward to learning the most that I can everyday!

Monday, March 9, 2009


Saturday was such a busy day that I thought it would never end. I haven't blogged in a while, due to unforseeable conflicts in my life. Anyway! I was up at 6 am Sat morning and we were scheduled to clean the church. As I was cleaning the windows of the building I was overwhelmed with the feeling of gratitude that I am able to do such things. Then I felt another overwhelming sensation. I wanted to cry. I have been so blessed in my life with the church and the support from the people in it and have met and lost people that have moved or due to boundary changes that I have grown in my personal life.

I of course being the addict that I am hate change, but I have accepted it (with claw marks) and have grown later from it. I want more than anything for my children to benefit from what I have learned.

As I was learning about the whole wax on wax off theory of cleaning that morning so many epiphanies were hitting me like bricks in the head. I may be one person doing one minor thing, but if everyone does just one minor thing than Everything gets done! I also thought about the fact that We Latter Day Saints have a whole lot of kids. They put their hands on EVERYTHING!!! The true definition of insanity: expecting those same windows and doors to be clean the next day when I got there at 11 am!

I don't mind though! that's the funniest thing about all of it. If someone had come behind me and printed them up, oh well! I am powerless today. I did work for my Heavenly Father's house and no one else. Not for notoriety, or to be recognized. Just to do it.

That feeling is indescribable. Talk about selfless service. Okay, so about the rest of the weekend. I went to church Sunday, and all I wanted to go and be there. I didn't want any trouble from the kids and the others that were with us. No luck there. My son decided that he didn't need to attend the meeting and stayed outside the whole time with his cousin. I was so angry with him. Then one of the nephews was just rude and contemptuous. I wanted to scream and beat them. I Know that isn't the answer by any means, but sometimes you think it might make you feel better! I have completely had All I am going to take of all of the kids.

They know that I have reached my breaking point and that if there is any other problems, I send the ones that aren't mine away. I have one child at home that is mine, I'll be darned if I'm going to destroy his future any longer! I gave one of them the option of Jobcorp today, he just has to tell me that's what he wants. The other is leaving soon! YIPEE!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


one word

where is your cell phone? on the desk
your significant other? in bed
your hair? brown and on my head
your mother? down the street
your father? heaven
your favorite thing? beauty
your dream last night? none
your favorite drink? lemonade
your dream/goal? being debt free
the room you’re in? dining
your fear? abandonment
where do you want to be in 6 years? Paris
Were were you last night? home
what you’re not? unkind
muffins? nope
1 of your wish list items? paris
where you grew up? oklahoma
the last thing you did? blogged
what are you wearing? sweats
your tv? silver
your pet? 2 dogs
4your computer? white
your life? good
your mood? touchy
missing someone? not really
your car? right outside
something you’re not wearing? gloves
favorite store? jc penny
summer? yes
favorite color? purple
why did you laugh last? joke
why did you cry last? My argument with hubby
who will repost this? dunno
a place i go over and over: grocery store
someone who emails me: sisters in recovery
place i would rather be right now: on a hot beach soaking up the sun!

Hello again

It's been since Friday and I am feeling a little off, yet also blah. I was once described as cheeky. I never have figured out what they meant by that. Anyway, yesterday was not the best day of my life. My husband and I had a huge argument that lasted far too long and I Hate money and what it does to people! Okay, now with that being said, I'll continue. Today I am trying to move on from yesterday. I went to take my licensing exam and I failed! I feel like crap! I can't believe I failed! Actually, I can.

I think it is because I have been so preoccupied with things that I can't focus! I wanted to smoke a cigarette so bad yesterday, I sat in front of the convenience store a good 30 minutes before I came to my senses. For me, If I smoke, I might as well say to heck with it all and go back to using.... after that thought I wanted a drink. It's a progressive illness! sometimes even just in our thoughts! thank Heavens we have people in the fellowship to call and help when we freak out like that!

I feel as if I am swimming in a lake full of seaweed that has entangled me. I sometimes can't breathe. I hate taking tests! I feel that same way before and during. I could never do anything well at semesters end for that reason alone. I will retake it next week and study my booty off before then! Hopefully that will be enough!