just....

This is a picture of 3 of my girls! ( nieces )

I sit here watching the OU, OSU game and I am tired GO OU!!!!!!!!!!. I need to get a few things off the chest so I can breathe again. My teenagers are driving my last nerve until I want to scream!!!!! My mom said I was a good kid, I thought we get what we gave our parents. I want to see the New Moon movie, can't because we are so broke we can't pay attention. I am throwing a temper tantrum, I know, but sometimes I just want too!
Why is that when we grow up, we have to be adults about everything? Why is it that We aren't allowed to be kids for the rest of our lives? Maybe that is why our teenagers drive us completely nuts!!
I want to know it all! I don't want to wait until my life is over and I want my son to stop contradicting me! I also want to have one day, just one, not two, not 3, not even ten!, just one, where I am respected by the boys like I should be!!!!!!! Mom is doing okay, she has a lot of trouble sleeping because of the Trach, but they give her good ole Adovan for that! She is us. I had aally pretty stoned when I get there! I had asked that she get a blessing last Sunday and Sacrament, but they never made it up there for her. That kind of threw me off. I get over things a little more today.
Anyway,'s d share a little of what just thought I would share today!

Hello

This picture is my son and my grandbaby Ava on Halloween! My friend took the picture, Isn't she awesome?




Nothing so dramatic to report today! I am in such a good space! I love my life and I am now trying to eat better and not do stupid stuff, like drink regular soda and such! We have mice and I swear they will be the death of me was working! Anyway just checking in and had to share the love!!!!

What the Crap!

I'm laying bed sleeping hard, oh my Gosh! I feel like someones sitting on my chest, and my heart is racing. I don't understand, WHAT'S Happening to me??????? I'm having a heart ????? What am I supposed to do? I know I'm just imagining this! no way... Yes way! My heart is bating so hard it appears to be moving my entire body. I finally call my Doctors office an speak to the nurse.
We need you to come NOW! I get up no shower, and get straight to the office. The nurse looks at me and asks the question I never thought I would hear. Why haven't you filed for disability yet??? WHAT? I never have even dreamed of that. I have to work, We need insurance, yet we don't have it and here I am at the dr's office with no money and no insurance, I'm feeling as if I'm dying and can't breathe. What was I thinking. My baby has been fighting for his disability for 3 years and keeps getting denied! I can't breathe, my chest hurts! make it stop! Please God make it stop!!!!
Well I get hooked up to the machine that they have used on my son so many times I can't count an yet now it's on me! What's going on? I just started seeing my grandbaby! I can't die now!!! Please stop this!!! I can't get signal to call my husband, I'm alone. We need to get that heart rate down huh? My wonderful doctor states so eloquently.. Then Shit this isn't working. Damn it! I didn't think this would do..... What the crap! I ask my doc okay, what's going on. Oh you are in tachicardia, we just need to have you go to another doctor and he's going to give you an injection if he isn't able to stop this. Here's his address and phone# get there quickly, he will see you now and knows you don't have insurance. There will be no payment required today. Oh my God what does this all mean??? I don't understand! Ok, I drive to the other doctors office which felt like an ETERNITY!!!!! We can't get your heart rate down, and your blood pressure is low, Can you lay here? Aw that feels a little better, then It feels like a 1000 lb weight on me. I feel dizzy! Well we don't do the injections here honey you have to be admitted to get them done. WHAT???? Oh no! What do i tell my husband. We don't have the money, What are we going to do?
Heavenly Father has blessed us so much already, can he spare any more?
He's almighty he can do anything. Okay, my heart rate is slowed now 4 and half hours later. You do realize that you will be on this medication for the rest of your life? You can not stop taking this unless we taper it down.. What causes this? A lot of different things, one being the fact that I did a lot of sped the oter that my thyroid may not be working properly. another could be the diabetes. What else?? I really try to not think that way. I am so very blessd that I am alive and can tell you about it. My little brother is one of those that experiences voices and has gotten a degree from web MD and suggested that it was an anxiety attack. Yeah okay. Thankfully I trusted an actual doc to tell me. Doesn't mean I don't love him, I just freak out sometimes when he wants to diagnose me or anyone else. Thanks for letting me get this crap out! I needed it

The story of my life!

I have had the most wonderful weekend! I spent a couple of hours with my grandbaby on Saturday and felt like a million bucks! today I went to my grandson's baby shower! It's incredible being a grandparent. I cannot explain how wonderful the feeling is. I wish everyone else could feel the joy in my heart.
I've been thinking about a few things today and realized there is nothing I want more than to be alive today. I have 5 beautiful children and two nephews that I am raising and have been so blessed. I am waiting for my lawsuit to be done and then I can get a surgery I have been waiting what feels like an eternity on.
My mother was released from the hospital today and is much better. I know this too shall pass, but I like basking in the happiness for a bit! My friend took pictures of my grandbaby, they are gorgeous the ones I've seen anyway. I want to get a 8x10! They are so clear and perfect!!!!! anyway just rambling! Have a Wonderful day!!!!