I woke up this morning as I usually do to the phone ringing and it being the love of my life to make sure that I was able to wake the boys up to go to seminary. I got up and proceeded to start my day as usual. I sat down with my husband and had a small bite to eat and after we got done, there is a knock at the door.
It's a Sheriff delivering papers for me and my nephew to appear in court in April over something that occurred back in Nov. I was just starting to process the idea that he is going to be leaving our home permanently and the other shoe drops, only this time much faster and harder. My son calls me to tell me that my youngest brother hasn't been seen or heard from since 11pm the night before and the last anyone heard he was going to kill himself. I sat there completely stupid for a few moments not knowing how to react.
I started having all kinds of thoughts run through my head. I watch way too much crime drama on TV! I kept thinking about how we would find him. I was starting to get freaked out. I told my husband that we needed to go look for him and so we went to one of the lakes that are close by. He thankfully wasn't there. He showed back up later in the afternoon OK, and upset. I could have killed him! the only thing that I could do was hold him in my arms. I cried and cried, I had attempted to go to a meeting here and was told it was a closed meeting. I had my niece with me because my sponsor told me to take hold of something that I loved and don't let go for a while. I didn't get to go to the meeting then. I ended up going tonight.
I only needed to be held up. I felt extremely abandoned again. I knew my sponsor was a phone call away, but the people that I should have been able to turn to, I didn't get to. That hurt me.
I'm okay now and I don't hold a resentment at this point. I hope that no one else ever has to go through what I did today.
I am so very grateful for being clean. Thank you for allowing me to share.