Wednesday, January 28, 2009

In Memory of my daughter


I know that her birthday is actually tomorrow, but I am not sure how I will be then. Tomorrow Ariel would have been 17 years old. She was so small. You would never believe how tiny a little one could be. She was the most delicate one I have ever seen.

I wonder what she would like, who she would be, how she would hold herself, the little things.

She was born Jan 29, 1992 and passed away Feb 3, 1992. Let me take you back with me a little.

I will never forget the day I was told I was pregnant with her. My ex-husband told me that I was crazy all of the time and I always thought I was pregnant. I knew with her. I knew that day in the office in the German hospital that I was having a girl as well. No one knew how I was feeling at that moment.

I had decided that I needed to make a choice of staying with my ex-husband or not. I decided to come back to the states for a few months and decide here. I was huge already! I found out in August, I wasn't due for a while, but I felt like a cow! I was whopping 120 lbs soaking wet at that point. I had decided to take really good care of myself this pregnancy and not drink or whatever else. I had already given birth to one child that had problems. I wanted a healthy little girl.

I came to stay with my mom and her kids for a couple of months until My ex came home on leave and then I could decide. I craved Ding Dongs like CRAZY! I also wanted milk and cookies all of the time. I went to my doctors appointments regularly and everything. When my ex came home on leave I ended up falling down the stairs and I kept having these horrific nightmares that I lost Ariel. I had her name picked out already. I went to the doctor to ensure that all was fine still and that I could travel. Obviously I made the decision to go back.

There is a lot I am leaving out to protect the innocent (well, they weren't that innocent), but anyway, I get back to Germany on one of the worst flights imaginable. My ex has turned into a total d###. Everything I did was wrong! I started regretting my decision immediately. I wanted my mom, anybody. He starts telling me to get the house cleaner because I'm not doing it well enough, and that I should go to the gym and get some of the weight worked off that I'm gaining.

I started feeling even more worthless than before I left. I had already started having contractions at this point and I'm being told that I need to do more. I got up one day to take care of my oldest son and then made dinner for him and my ex. I went to lay down and I my water burst that night. I felt so much guilt for not doing what the doctor told me to I wanted to die. We go to the first hospital and they stick me in a room for 3 days to let me go into labor naturally. I never did.

I was told the 3rd day that when Ariel came into the world they would lay her on a table and let her die since there would be no hope anyway. I died that moment. I made my ex take me to another hospital that would at least try to help her. We got there and by that time we were both so infected that they thought that neither of us were going to live through the ordeal. They let me eat a meal and started the enduction the following morning after administering tons of antibiotics to try to let me live at least.

I went into labor finally and delivered after several hours of HELL! I wanted to hold her. I knew for sure that she was dead I kept screaming out, how my only girl was dead, and that I hated my ex, and I hated God! How could this happen to me. what had I done to deserve such torture! I wanted to die. I wanted them to take me too and I never wanted to leave her. I was then told she was still alive and they took her out of the room to help her!

I had some hope, I still didn't carry much. If she did die I would find a way to be with her. I went to my room and they got me fixed up and her as well, I wasn't allowed to breast feed because my milk wasn't ready. I went to see her in the incubator. You could see through her skin. I wanted to hold her, but my ex told me no. I would never let go if I did. I just sat there and prayed.

I never did get to hold my angel. She died after I left the hospital. I got a phone call to tell me she had passed. We shipped her body home on Valentines day that year and buried her 3 days later I think. I hated my ex for so long that I thought that he would burst in flames everytime I looked at him. I no longer hate him. I feel so much pitty for him. He is a very unhappy man from

what I understand. I have since been sealed to my baby along with my husband DeWayne for all time and eternity. I would not have Brandon if I had not lost Ariel. I love him so much that I can't begin to tell anyone. They didn't think that I would be able to carry him. He is a miracle. I chose not to have anymore children to not hurt myself. Sometimes I wish I would have tried again for a girl, but I am so blessed with all of the beautiful girls around me. Heavenly Father blessed me after all!

3 comments:

  1. Awe honey,
    I wish I could make it all better. Call me if you need to talk- Q.

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  2. My mother would understand the feelings. she lost her first child as well unfortunaly she miscarried my brother.It too my parents a while befor they tried again and in 1952 I came into this world.I have 2 younger sisters as well,It would have been nice if my older brother had lived.

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  3. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

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