Hey, just needing to vent I guess

I took my son in for surgery this morning and I was faced with challenges from the beginning. We get there on time and they take us back there to get him prepped and We asked the nurse several times to allow my husband to give him a blessing, and after about the 3rd time the nurse got a little rude about having to leave. I didn't care. Truthfully, I was ready to go off by that point alone. They were really rude. We had already seen the anethie whatever, the one that puts him out, and he refused to give him what the doctor had told us to tell him too and decided to give him what he wanted too anyway.

so then he makes a comment about the fact that he never gives the sedative Before the block, nor does he think that there is a problem and we have to leave the room! I just about lost it! Now granted my BABY, is 16 and I know that I have to cut the apron strings at some point, but give me a break! I was there the last time holding his hand the whole time. I should have been able to do the same this time too.

It is more for me as a mom I know this, but we sat out there already feeling uneasy about the whole damn thing and I'm about to let them cut open my baby! I sat there and started to cry, my husband tells me I have to be strong and not let my son see my tears. We finally get back there again and things had not changed much. I told the surgeons assistant that We would be talking when I brought Brandon in for his check up, and that I was less than pleased so far.

We go out to the waiting room as they take care of him, his Dr. comes out and tells us that all is well and we can go back in about 15 min. So about 30 minutes later I'm at the desk wondering why they are not coming to get us. As we are walking back the lady tells us that Brandon is really restless. And says "maybe you can calm him down." We get back there and he's in pain visibly, and writhing in the bed trying to get up.

My husband goes to him and starts to try to hold him down and talk to him and the nurse starts telling him, it's the medicine sir, calm down, it's okay, he's disoriented. DUH!!!! We have been through this MANY MANY MANY times before, and they can't tell us what we don't already know. I am starting to panic at this point because my husband tells her rather sternly, "I got this" I'm trying to soothe him as best I can. Finally another nurse comes in and takes over, and gives him pain medicine. He calms down a little, and then I notice that he has these HUGE welts on his arm and wrist! I freaked!

We got the nurse in there and the anith, Whatever, and they said "OH he must be allergic to Demerol". Never had a reaction before this. So they give him Benadryl and Morphine which knocks down his breathing and Oxygen intake and I freak again, because we can't take off the oxygen yet! My word, The last surgery was nothing like this. I sat there and cried because I couldn't do anything. I kept praying. Finally, after all of the CHAOS! he started to come out of it all and improve and stopped fighting. The hives went away after the Benadryl, and the oxygen was taken off, and he ate some crackers. He kept saying I want to go home! I could not blame him at all!

I know now that I will never leave the room again when it comes to my kids I will fight tooth and nail to stay! I also know that Some People have a huge lack of respect for others' beliefs and that I have no control over that at all. I do however have control over my reaction to them. I will not internalize and make myself sick about it! I love this program of Narcotics Anonymous and Recovery. If I didn't have it and the people in my life I surely would end up loaded! Thanks NA for saving my life!

The picture above is of me and my baby quite a while ago, but he's just as handsome!

I'm here again

I sit here thinking about all of the things going on around me. I had to give up my Hospitals and Institutions Meeting that I have taken into the jail for the last 4 years. I haven't not taken in H&I since I got clean. This helps carry the message to the still suffering addict. I cried. I will be out on the road the days that they are held at the jail so I can no longer go. I was devestated yet understanding of my requirements to help my family.

I will have to pray for the women to come together and make sure that it is covered each month. I have been doing some soul searching. My spouse likes to tell me when I get angry or when I feel upset, or what have you. It cracks me up because I know what I feel, and he thinks he knows.

I have really been working on the fact that I have no control. I don't want the control any longer. I used to want to control everything. Sadly I wasn't even aware of it! I have become blatantly aware now. The main time that I want to take the reigns again is when it comes to my kids.

I went to my class today to learn about the Kansas license for health insurance. My head was completely swimming! I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I hate test taking and freeze up. I am worried now. I am going to study all day tomorrow and Thursday and attempt to take it Thursday night or afternoon. I will just take each thing a step at a time. I am so ready to start my new job and make money. I want to get my vehicle paid off and get a truck or small suv to take out in the field with me.

Well, I guess I should go. I need to get a little rest. TTFN

I'm home

Wow! It was a very long trip, but I lived through it and feel right with the world. I went through a bit of self discovery while there.

1. There are addicts everywhere. I wasn't sure why I was clicking with one lady in particular, but she had a certain way about her. Lo and behold she was in Recovery! We had such a great conversation after the discussion ensued about recovery. We realized that it its such a very small world after all! Hey that's a song!

2. I am somebody, no one has to tell me this, or give me a boost regularly, I am a leader and I am worth many good things coming my way. Sometimes I lose sight of this. Actually, I can't ever say that I knew it for sure on the inside. I faked it a lot.

3. That I don't have to rely on others for my self worth! I guess this could go along with 2, but I like it being separate! I am me! I have a distinct personality and it is me! I am not my husband, or my family I am me! Sometimes I get lost in people and can't find myself. I am Darra! How awesome is that? I love music, I love to dance, I also love people. I am outgoing and can be really funny! I don't want to lose my sense of self.

4. I missed meetings! I wasn't able to go to meetings and missed them drastically. I also missed my loved ones, like CNC, my kids, and hubby. I missed my nieces and nephews too. I claim those kids as well. If you get used to a way of life for a while, it's hard to change. It's good to talk about it too! I should go to get some rest. This is another insane week for me!

Love to all!

I'm in Dallas!!!!

OMG! I really did it! Okay, so I made the journey and rode down here with two kids (21yr olds) and another guy and had pretty good conversation. I couldn't sleep! I am just so excited! I want to be done with all of the training and get out there! I literally get goose flesh when I think about this! My husband was telling me that I needed to carry about 20 apps with me a day, because he knows I am going to kick butt! I have never heard him this excited either. I didn't think I'd miss the kids, I don't! at least not yet anyway! My baby I do, but not much! It's only been a few hours! anyway, the conference is about to start and I need to go! I just wanted to let you all know where I'm at and what I'm up to this way! TTFN!

Cup of Tea anyone?

I'm sitting here with a nice warm cup of tea (herbal) and trying to get all of the thoughts out of my head so that I might be able to sleep. Today has been a little strange. My husband is losing his job at the end of March and things are so uncertain.

I am truly grateful though. A dear friend of mine has been at the hospital with her son for a few days and will be there a few more. You see he was shot in the chest with a small calliber gun and I was unaware of this, but the smaller the calliber the worse the damage because the bullet ricochets inside the body like a pinball machine. The bullet landed and lodged itself in his spine. At this point they can't tell if he will ever be able to walk again.

I am keeping the family in my prayers as I hope that you will too. I just realize how much I have to be grateful for. I have Faith today in my Heavenly Father, that no matter what happens from this point forward, We will be alright. I am going to go meditate now and let go. Have a wonderful night all and thank you for letting me share!

Today

It has been an interesting morning already. I have already cleaned up what the kids didn't, tried to not yell at the hubby, get laundry done, take a few deep breaths, run my daughter-in-law to work, listened to ranting and raving, and wondered what the hell is going on in my life? I guess I don't show my nephews that I love them or want them here enough because I told them I would not miss anyone while I'm gone next week. I will be training from 8 in the morning until 9 at night! I don't think I will have time to miss anyone!

I can't say what the future holds, I want so badly to succeed at this so that I can provide something to our family that we have never had before. I want to not have to worry about finances again. If I can succeed at that, I will be happy.

Complete

Tonight I sat with my husband, my two oldest boys and their wives and watched the movie "fireproof". All I can say is phenomenal! That has to of been the best movie I have seen in a long time. I laughed, cried, laughed some more and then at the end learned more! Just AWESOME!!!!
If you haven't seen it you should. I have always been a firm believer in making the marriage work anyway, this just made it even more clear to me. I enjoyed it so much. Even if your just in a relationship I would suggest watching it together.
Well, I am getting nervous again, I leave for Dallas Sunday morning at 10 am and I was told that I would be flying. I hate to fly so that was a relief, but then I was told I had to wait! I am hoping that it is set in stone this time. I am ready. I can't wait to make a career change and do my best! I hope that my kids will still be supportive a few months from now! They are ready to get rid of me right now! LOL!
Well I better go for now. Talk at ya'll later!

Hey ya'll

How's it going today? I got up at 5am and went back to sleep around 730 Potatoes make me sleep! I know better than to eat them@ any time!!!

I am so glad that I had my day to me yesterday. I am leading the birthday meeting tonight and I am super sad that CNC won't be there. I will miss her, but, I also celebrated with her on her day! I made spaghetti for dinner and I have to make a cake. I love to bake, but I don't like what it does to me!!!!

It's been a great day today. I was looking at the option of driving instead of flying. I hate to fly! I like to see where I am and I hate heights! I will save at least a hundred bucks driving! I think I will go that route if I can! In my little car (which I love) I can get there on 30.00. How cool is that?

I am so glad that I get to know others this way. I should go for now so that I can stop procrstinating and bake this cake

okay

I'm back it's late and I can't sleep again. I really enjoyed the music on the blogs I read last night! Pooh corner almost made me cry. I haven't heard that in years. I am laying here thinking about something that I really need to say. For years I went untreated in any way for the mental illness. I had attempted suicide a couple of times obviously yo no avail. Thanks to my Heavenly Father I am still here.

I windered for a long time what purpose do I serve? I finished up my scrapbook tonight. my first one and I couldn't believe all of the people that have touched my life in one way or another. I have heard from several people from my past recently. I think that there is a specific reason, I just don't know what that might be. Some I know I need to make amends to, others I guess it was time. For me I love the fact that I have the ability to be someone today. I also take my meds now whereas before noone thought I needed them. Let me be off of them for a while and see how they like it! LOL! Just kidding...

I don't play around today, I can't. Life is way too precious. well, gotta go for now. 5 am will come very early!

Well

I know that is a very deep subject! I finally got some sleep only to be woken up that the kids missed seminary again this morning. I am responsible for their upbringing but only to a point! LOL!!!

It has been such a lazy day for me thank goodness. I haven't been able to do anything for me all week unless I'm up until 130 in the morning! No good. I wanta sleep!

Anyway I'm just being silly at this point. I did some scapbooking last night and this morning and my pages are very cute I think. I love to do that in my spare time. I wish I had more!

I called on my testing for the new job and I will be going in for a class the 24th of Feb and Flying to Dallas to take a class for a week! I am so nervous about flying! I hate it!!! I would much rather drive. I leave on the 15th. It looks like Feb is going to be a very busy month!!!!

I think the most exciting thing is the end of the month though! we all get together as women and have a HUGE slumber party! I can't wait!!!! We girls really know how to Party CLEAN!!! I can't wait because there will be no Men, No KIDS and no dogs up my butt when I'm sleeping!!!!!

If you don't have one weekend in the year that you get together and do something as just Men or just women, try it sometime! this is the 14th annual I believe and I've been going since 2001! You talk about a blast! We get to eat what and when we want, and just PLAY!!!!

Okay, I'll stop making you jealous now. I need to get a shower and get out of my PJ's!

Much LOVE!

man, I just can't get enough!!

I was reading some interesting Blogs this evening and really haven't been able to stop! This can be it's own addiction I think! Thank you for all of your comments. I am finally starting to wear out. I don't get sleepy very easily anymore. I got so irritated earlier when I attempted to post a picture on or with my blog.

As you can see I love dolphins! I think they are the most incredible, serene and intelligent creatures. They love their children and communicate well. All that I aspire for my life. I think that if reincarnation is possible I was born in another life in the ocean!

Anyway, I also Love ducks and geese. I don't know why, but have you ever sat and watched them? They are so incredible! I will attempt to come back tomorrow!

Hey all!

I was going through some stuff trying to find something I lost. A poem that I written when I felt like I could hurt no more over abandonment. Wow My Heavenly Father a real wierd sense of humor.

I found everything but that poem! I found a letter from a young lady that I used to sponsor that ended up dating my son, then got loaded and is now expecting! I only pray she's clean! I haven't heard from her in a while.

I found pictures of my son when he was a little guy and almost started crying because OMG how time flies! I also found 3 pieces of metal. 1 says Love, 1 says Peace and 1 says Wisdom. I thought to myself, where did those come from and then realized that in one of my desperate attempts to try and fill that God void, I spent a fortune on little things that didn't mean a whole lot. At least not at that time.

For me today I so much Love in my life I can't count the ways it is shown, I am starting to feel that peace again that I once had and everyday my Heavenly Father gives me a little more wisdom than I had yesterday. It was definitely meant for me to find those tonight and a lot has happened in a few short years.

I am so blessed! I went to my interview this evening as a matter of fact because of that sense of humor thing again, and OMG! I can totally do this!!!!!! I am so stoked! I am going to Dallas for a whole week to be trained and I do not have to look at the teenagers in my house and suffer from testosterone poisoning from them!!!! YIPEE!!!!!! I can't wait! I am ready for a life altering change that can benefit my entire family.

I know that no matter what, my family is in the care of God and we will get through whatever is thrown our way with gratitude, peace, wisdom, and love.

Hello again

It's been a few days! I did okay with Ariel's birthday. I had to allow myself to FEEL. I don't do that enough I'm told. Today I allowed my son to pay for my nails to get done for my belated birthday present.

That's really huge for me. I don't like them to do for ME. I expect to do for them. I didn't get the one job I was disappointed at first, but I have come to realize that it wasn't in my stars. I have since been offered a position with a person I know from church. I am seriously considering it. I know that it isn't what my husband wanted me to do, but I think I can do this. I have faith in me today!!!!! We will see. I am not going to write a whole lot tonight. I have to take two boys in the morning to get their licenses. I am a little nervous about that:(

Have a great night and a wonderful day tomorrow.