Continued...

cooked long enough! Yo'ull get here soon! I am so very greatful for the Spoynsor my Heavenly Father helped me choose! I am greatful for the friends that keep me grounded and not so crazy! I can just say that I am loved and I love today! The greatest gifts are from above! I am so greatful for Christ's atoneing sacrifice and that we are able to be forgiven if we allow that. My faith just continues to grow and my love for the program and my faith in Heavenly Father.

Another year is about to end

I was sitting here thinking about this whole year and the good things that have happened! I am so grateful for that my mom is doing better, I am grateful for my life and the people that come in and out my life. I have been so blessed this year!
My husaband is a booger! I love him dearly! I miss my friend JeriBeth. She moved away to GA and I miss her laugh! I will cherish the huge barbcue and watching Finding Nemo, and Ice Age. I haven't laughed that hard at someone's reactions in So long!
I miss my grandduaghter in MO, and my daughters there too! I miss my friends that we've lost in the fellowship. I know that I will see them again someday, and I know they are sitting with Jimmy K having the most awesome meeting!!! I love the fact that I see my oldest granddaughter Ava regularly now! I felt such a hole in my heart that is now so full!!!! I love the fact that I have 2, yes two Grandsons on the way! Preston keeps thinking he's coming

just....

This is a picture of 3 of my girls! ( nieces )

I sit here watching the OU, OSU game and I am tired GO OU!!!!!!!!!!. I need to get a few things off the chest so I can breathe again. My teenagers are driving my last nerve until I want to scream!!!!! My mom said I was a good kid, I thought we get what we gave our parents. I want to see the New Moon movie, can't because we are so broke we can't pay attention. I am throwing a temper tantrum, I know, but sometimes I just want too!
Why is that when we grow up, we have to be adults about everything? Why is it that We aren't allowed to be kids for the rest of our lives? Maybe that is why our teenagers drive us completely nuts!!
I want to know it all! I don't want to wait until my life is over and I want my son to stop contradicting me! I also want to have one day, just one, not two, not 3, not even ten!, just one, where I am respected by the boys like I should be!!!!!!! Mom is doing okay, she has a lot of trouble sleeping because of the Trach, but they give her good ole Adovan for that! She is us. I had aally pretty stoned when I get there! I had asked that she get a blessing last Sunday and Sacrament, but they never made it up there for her. That kind of threw me off. I get over things a little more today.
Anyway,'s d share a little of what just thought I would share today!

Hello

This picture is my son and my grandbaby Ava on Halloween! My friend took the picture, Isn't she awesome?




Nothing so dramatic to report today! I am in such a good space! I love my life and I am now trying to eat better and not do stupid stuff, like drink regular soda and such! We have mice and I swear they will be the death of me was working! Anyway just checking in and had to share the love!!!!

What the Crap!

I'm laying bed sleeping hard, oh my Gosh! I feel like someones sitting on my chest, and my heart is racing. I don't understand, WHAT'S Happening to me??????? I'm having a heart ????? What am I supposed to do? I know I'm just imagining this! no way... Yes way! My heart is bating so hard it appears to be moving my entire body. I finally call my Doctors office an speak to the nurse.
We need you to come NOW! I get up no shower, and get straight to the office. The nurse looks at me and asks the question I never thought I would hear. Why haven't you filed for disability yet??? WHAT? I never have even dreamed of that. I have to work, We need insurance, yet we don't have it and here I am at the dr's office with no money and no insurance, I'm feeling as if I'm dying and can't breathe. What was I thinking. My baby has been fighting for his disability for 3 years and keeps getting denied! I can't breathe, my chest hurts! make it stop! Please God make it stop!!!!
Well I get hooked up to the machine that they have used on my son so many times I can't count an yet now it's on me! What's going on? I just started seeing my grandbaby! I can't die now!!! Please stop this!!! I can't get signal to call my husband, I'm alone. We need to get that heart rate down huh? My wonderful doctor states so eloquently.. Then Shit this isn't working. Damn it! I didn't think this would do..... What the crap! I ask my doc okay, what's going on. Oh you are in tachicardia, we just need to have you go to another doctor and he's going to give you an injection if he isn't able to stop this. Here's his address and phone# get there quickly, he will see you now and knows you don't have insurance. There will be no payment required today. Oh my God what does this all mean??? I don't understand! Ok, I drive to the other doctors office which felt like an ETERNITY!!!!! We can't get your heart rate down, and your blood pressure is low, Can you lay here? Aw that feels a little better, then It feels like a 1000 lb weight on me. I feel dizzy! Well we don't do the injections here honey you have to be admitted to get them done. WHAT???? Oh no! What do i tell my husband. We don't have the money, What are we going to do?
Heavenly Father has blessed us so much already, can he spare any more?
He's almighty he can do anything. Okay, my heart rate is slowed now 4 and half hours later. You do realize that you will be on this medication for the rest of your life? You can not stop taking this unless we taper it down.. What causes this? A lot of different things, one being the fact that I did a lot of sped the oter that my thyroid may not be working properly. another could be the diabetes. What else?? I really try to not think that way. I am so very blessd that I am alive and can tell you about it. My little brother is one of those that experiences voices and has gotten a degree from web MD and suggested that it was an anxiety attack. Yeah okay. Thankfully I trusted an actual doc to tell me. Doesn't mean I don't love him, I just freak out sometimes when he wants to diagnose me or anyone else. Thanks for letting me get this crap out! I needed it

The story of my life!

I have had the most wonderful weekend! I spent a couple of hours with my grandbaby on Saturday and felt like a million bucks! today I went to my grandson's baby shower! It's incredible being a grandparent. I cannot explain how wonderful the feeling is. I wish everyone else could feel the joy in my heart.
I've been thinking about a few things today and realized there is nothing I want more than to be alive today. I have 5 beautiful children and two nephews that I am raising and have been so blessed. I am waiting for my lawsuit to be done and then I can get a surgery I have been waiting what feels like an eternity on.
My mother was released from the hospital today and is much better. I know this too shall pass, but I like basking in the happiness for a bit! My friend took pictures of my grandbaby, they are gorgeous the ones I've seen anyway. I want to get a 8x10! They are so clear and perfect!!!!! anyway just rambling! Have a Wonderful day!!!!

More Pics!!!!!!

hey

I am not good at this Blogging thing, I am still sick and don't have insurance to go to the doctor. I won't go to the emergency room because there isn't any point in getting others even sicker still. I sit back and watch how my family even the ones on state assisstance or Govt insurance struggle to pay the copays for their medications. My mother for example. Right now is hospitalized with Congestive Heart Failure and liquid has been filling her lungs and around her heart. It's just a matter of time. She couldn't get any assisstance for 15 years for food and yet there are people who get everything because they live dishonestly and who pays for it? Me! I pay my bills and live honestly. There are others who I know that do the same and yet we get screwed. I know that today we have the same issues they did years ago, the only difference is that the Govt spends all kind kinds of money on stupid stuff that doesn't amount to anything worth wise, but we owe TRILLIONS of dollars. That is what the Govt does for us. Puts us further in debt!

I went and purchased a car during that cash for clunkers Cluster **** and got screwed with no lube! The car is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but who can pay for them now with no jobs!!!! KS got a ton of revenue from the stimulus and there were supposedly 6500 jobs.... And those are where exactly?

Luckily, I am great at what I do and was able to find a job quickly, but for a fraction of what I made before! I remember a time as a child that we couldn't eat on what they gave us from the state, and did what we had to to eat. I NEVER will be there again! Never!
I want more than anything the opportunity to show my kids the right way to live, but it gets harder and harder.


On a more positive note, I spent a couple of hours with my absolutely GORGEOUS grand daughter! I have been so on cloud 9 ever since! If I died right now I couldn't be happier! She is a complete love bug and the most wonderful thing is that she's so smart! She knows I'm her grandma and knows her Daddy, now she know her grandpa too! I was so upset for the longest time because, to not get his heart broken he wouldn't see her! Now the courts are involved and there is no going back!
I have written her so many unsent letters, (grand daughter) Now I get to tell her and see her and hold her. And let her FEEL my love! Heavenly Father has blessed me so much that I am just Full of gratitude! The best part of all of it is that She will carry on a part of us! My son has so much love for her and to watch them togather is so fulfilling. I love my children and grandchildren so much. I am the happiest when I am around them. I have been blessed with 2 more on the way!!!!

WOW

I messed up and hit enter too fast! I am sitting here sick and thinking to myself that it's going to be a very long night!

My mother is in the hospital with fluid on her heart and lungs, I spent one of the most wonderful afternoons with my lovely Granddaughter yesterday.

I had the strange dreams during my fever earlier and kept dreaming of the ones that are dead. I miss them so badly sometimes and I was able to see them in my dreams. I think we are given so much as gifts that there really is no way to say thank you enough! I celebrated 7 years clean Sept 14th and love Recovery. I haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks now and definitely feel it. I figured I had better catch all up. Sorry it's been so long. The baby in my photo is back in my life again,, and it is so wonderful!All I can say is that Dreams do come true and prayers are answered in God's time, not ours!

WOW!!!

Hey Ya'll from Kansas!

there are just times

I have been through some interesting things, in my time, but yesterday took the cake!
We had to take my 20 yr old son to get yet another heart Cath in Kansas City, MO. He went there because he has been seen by them since age 11. He wasborn with 3 major heart defects and has had multiple surgeries since. Anyway, so we drive up there and last Oct he had a heart attack so they put a pacemaker and defibulator in. Well when they looked at the settings, it was no wonder why it's gone off twice. They had set it too low. He had been shocked by it unnecessarily. How frustrating!!!!!!
The best thing is that we were told, NO MORE FOR A WHILE!!!! (SURGERIES)
GOD loves me! I was so relieved at that moment I cried! To think, he is great!!!!!! There is no more relief than I felt at that moment.
I also got some sad news. One of the people I went to class in Dallas with passed away from Cancer. I didn't even know he was sick. Coach D you will be missed!
I got a chance to be on the oncology floor at Children's Mercy there in KC, and I have to say, I pray I never become sick like that. Those poor kids! Those poor Parents!!!!!
I can't imagine how it would feel to know that they aren't getting better, no surgery will fix it, and you are completely powerless! Anyway, if you don't have cancer insurance I would suggest it. One family had been there with her daughter for 6 months! I pray for those families now and hope you too will do the same.

It's been a while

I haven't been able to blog for quite a while. I am so glad for 16 hour days and the ability to read, study, ponder and pray. I have had the most incredible time working. I get to focus on myself and my recovery. I am so happy that I can be gone and come home.
I don't miss that nagging sensation of not getting things done. I love the ability that I have to talk with others and share my experience, strength, and hope with people and not take it on, when they have something go wrong. I feel as if I'm free at last.
I called my sponsor today, because I was needing someone else to tell me that I CAN, not I can't. My addict brain likes to play tricks on me sometimes and say things that aren't true. She is so frigging AWESOME! She tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear! I love her so much. I am starting to grieve my sisters in recovery and the others as well. I don't get to see them or talk to them much, because I'm always on the go. I will get over that feeling too because they are only feelings. doesn't mean they are reality. I hope all are doing good and I'll try to blog again!

Hey all!

Wow! I'm back out here working and I have a little time before I can go to any appointments so I figured I would share a little!

I was driving to this motel and realized that I am so at peace out here. I am more in tune with my Heavenly Father here then at home. I love to see the stars and the peacefulness I feel out here away from the big city! I miss my husband and kids about Wed and then when I get home, I am ready to come back.

I am really proud of myself and how well I'm doing. I know that I could do better, but this is only week three. I am ttrying not to be a perfectionist!!!! Good luck with that right? Since when am I not? Anyway, It's awesome today, and I am so glad to be alive and breathing! I love life!!!!!

The picture above is 12-15-2007 The day that my husband, myself and my son were sealed in the temple for all of time and eternity as a family!!!! One of the best days of my life!

Hello Fellow Bloggers!!!!

Long time no talk too! I have been working, working, working!I absolutely love what I do now! I finally started my new job and my first week I sold 4 apps and cleared over 700 bucks!!!! this week was over 900! I have never felt more in control of what I bring home! Not only that, but I totally believe in it! that's the best part. I want to do it all of the time now. I am always trying to figure a way to tweek this or that and talk about that.
I love the fact that I get to travel and be on the road with my Heavenly Father and be connected with nature. I see the beauty of the earth every morning and night and I am so very grateful for it. I was driving back to my home Wed because of an impending storm and I looked up and so the most incredible sky full of the most Heavenly Stars! I realized that earth is such a small of the vast universe. It's so amazing! I would love to be on a boat sometime to check it out!
I know that I can't type too long, and that I need to take pictures! I keep leaving my camera! I will end up taking at some point. Who would have thought that flat Kansas had canyons and total beauty to it? I didn't because I had never experienced it! Again, I am so very grateful!

Wow, what an emotional day!

I woke up this morning as I usually do to the phone ringing and it being the love of my life to make sure that I was able to wake the boys up to go to seminary. I got up and proceeded to start my day as usual. I sat down with my husband and had a small bite to eat and after we got done, there is a knock at the door.

It's a Sheriff delivering papers for me and my nephew to appear in court in April over something that occurred back in Nov. I was just starting to process the idea that he is going to be leaving our home permanently and the other shoe drops, only this time much faster and harder. My son calls me to tell me that my youngest brother hasn't been seen or heard from since 11pm the night before and the last anyone heard he was going to kill himself. I sat there completely stupid for a few moments not knowing how to react.

I started having all kinds of thoughts run through my head. I watch way too much crime drama on TV! I kept thinking about how we would find him. I was starting to get freaked out. I told my husband that we needed to go look for him and so we went to one of the lakes that are close by. He thankfully wasn't there. He showed back up later in the afternoon OK, and upset. I could have killed him! the only thing that I could do was hold him in my arms. I cried and cried, I had attempted to go to a meeting here and was told it was a closed meeting. I had my niece with me because my sponsor told me to take hold of something that I loved and don't let go for a while. I didn't get to go to the meeting then. I ended up going tonight.

I only needed to be held up. I felt extremely abandoned again. I knew my sponsor was a phone call away, but the people that I should have been able to turn to, I didn't get to. That hurt me.

I'm okay now and I don't hold a resentment at this point. I hope that no one else ever has to go through what I did today.

I am so very grateful for being clean. Thank you for allowing me to share.

There is a Power greater than me!

We can joke about things all of the time and for some that's okay, but today, I again it was proven to me. I was studying trying to get ready for my exam to get my license again, and I got this complete sense of peace. I decided to take care of a few things before I left and then I would read some more befor I got up there to test. I pulled in, parked my car, and read two paragraphs and stopped. I said a prayer vocally, and just waited a moment. I then read a few things out of my mini-book and I put it in my Heavenly Father's hands. I passed. I am learning to let go and let God take control once in a while. I start working next Monday!!!!!! I am so excited. I know that I can do Anything with my Heavenly Father's help if it is His will and not my own!

Thank you Narcotics Anonymous, because I wouldn't have found my Heavenly Father without the help of my sponsor and the steps. I look forward to learning the most that I can everyday!

indescribable

Saturday was such a busy day that I thought it would never end. I haven't blogged in a while, due to unforseeable conflicts in my life. Anyway! I was up at 6 am Sat morning and we were scheduled to clean the church. As I was cleaning the windows of the building I was overwhelmed with the feeling of gratitude that I am able to do such things. Then I felt another overwhelming sensation. I wanted to cry. I have been so blessed in my life with the church and the support from the people in it and have met and lost people that have moved or due to boundary changes that I have grown in my personal life.

I of course being the addict that I am hate change, but I have accepted it (with claw marks) and have grown later from it. I want more than anything for my children to benefit from what I have learned.

As I was learning about the whole wax on wax off theory of cleaning that morning so many epiphanies were hitting me like bricks in the head. I may be one person doing one minor thing, but if everyone does just one minor thing than Everything gets done! I also thought about the fact that We Latter Day Saints have a whole lot of kids. They put their hands on EVERYTHING!!! The true definition of insanity: expecting those same windows and doors to be clean the next day when I got there at 11 am!

I don't mind though! that's the funniest thing about all of it. If someone had come behind me and printed them up, oh well! I am powerless today. I did work for my Heavenly Father's house and no one else. Not for notoriety, or to be recognized. Just to do it.

That feeling is indescribable. Talk about selfless service. Okay, so about the rest of the weekend. I went to church Sunday, and all I wanted to go and be there. I didn't want any trouble from the kids and the others that were with us. No luck there. My son decided that he didn't need to attend the meeting and stayed outside the whole time with his cousin. I was so angry with him. Then one of the nephews was just rude and contemptuous. I wanted to scream and beat them. I Know that isn't the answer by any means, but sometimes you think it might make you feel better! I have completely had All I am going to take of all of the kids.

They know that I have reached my breaking point and that if there is any other problems, I send the ones that aren't mine away. I have one child at home that is mine, I'll be darned if I'm going to destroy his future any longer! I gave one of them the option of Jobcorp today, he just has to tell me that's what he wants. The other is leaving soon! YIPEE!!!!!!!

1

one word

where is your cell phone? on the desk
your significant other? in bed
your hair? brown and on my head
your mother? down the street
your father? heaven
your favorite thing? beauty
your dream last night? none
your favorite drink? lemonade
your dream/goal? being debt free
the room you’re in? dining
your fear? abandonment
where do you want to be in 6 years? Paris
Were were you last night? home
what you’re not? unkind
muffins? nope
1 of your wish list items? paris
where you grew up? oklahoma
the last thing you did? blogged
what are you wearing? sweats
your tv? silver
your pet? 2 dogs
4your computer? white
your life? good
your mood? touchy
missing someone? not really
your car? right outside
something you’re not wearing? gloves
favorite store? jc penny
summer? yes
favorite color? purple
why did you laugh last? joke
why did you cry last? My argument with hubby
who will repost this? dunno
a place i go over and over: grocery store
someone who emails me: sisters in recovery
place i would rather be right now: on a hot beach soaking up the sun!

Hello again

It's been since Friday and I am feeling a little off, yet also blah. I was once described as cheeky. I never have figured out what they meant by that. Anyway, yesterday was not the best day of my life. My husband and I had a huge argument that lasted far too long and I Hate money and what it does to people! Okay, now with that being said, I'll continue. Today I am trying to move on from yesterday. I went to take my licensing exam and I failed! I feel like crap! I can't believe I failed! Actually, I can.

I think it is because I have been so preoccupied with things that I can't focus! I wanted to smoke a cigarette so bad yesterday, I sat in front of the convenience store a good 30 minutes before I came to my senses. For me, If I smoke, I might as well say to heck with it all and go back to using.... after that thought I wanted a drink. It's a progressive illness! sometimes even just in our thoughts! thank Heavens we have people in the fellowship to call and help when we freak out like that!

I feel as if I am swimming in a lake full of seaweed that has entangled me. I sometimes can't breathe. I hate taking tests! I feel that same way before and during. I could never do anything well at semesters end for that reason alone. I will retake it next week and study my booty off before then! Hopefully that will be enough!

Hey, just needing to vent I guess

I took my son in for surgery this morning and I was faced with challenges from the beginning. We get there on time and they take us back there to get him prepped and We asked the nurse several times to allow my husband to give him a blessing, and after about the 3rd time the nurse got a little rude about having to leave. I didn't care. Truthfully, I was ready to go off by that point alone. They were really rude. We had already seen the anethie whatever, the one that puts him out, and he refused to give him what the doctor had told us to tell him too and decided to give him what he wanted too anyway.

so then he makes a comment about the fact that he never gives the sedative Before the block, nor does he think that there is a problem and we have to leave the room! I just about lost it! Now granted my BABY, is 16 and I know that I have to cut the apron strings at some point, but give me a break! I was there the last time holding his hand the whole time. I should have been able to do the same this time too.

It is more for me as a mom I know this, but we sat out there already feeling uneasy about the whole damn thing and I'm about to let them cut open my baby! I sat there and started to cry, my husband tells me I have to be strong and not let my son see my tears. We finally get back there again and things had not changed much. I told the surgeons assistant that We would be talking when I brought Brandon in for his check up, and that I was less than pleased so far.

We go out to the waiting room as they take care of him, his Dr. comes out and tells us that all is well and we can go back in about 15 min. So about 30 minutes later I'm at the desk wondering why they are not coming to get us. As we are walking back the lady tells us that Brandon is really restless. And says "maybe you can calm him down." We get back there and he's in pain visibly, and writhing in the bed trying to get up.

My husband goes to him and starts to try to hold him down and talk to him and the nurse starts telling him, it's the medicine sir, calm down, it's okay, he's disoriented. DUH!!!! We have been through this MANY MANY MANY times before, and they can't tell us what we don't already know. I am starting to panic at this point because my husband tells her rather sternly, "I got this" I'm trying to soothe him as best I can. Finally another nurse comes in and takes over, and gives him pain medicine. He calms down a little, and then I notice that he has these HUGE welts on his arm and wrist! I freaked!

We got the nurse in there and the anith, Whatever, and they said "OH he must be allergic to Demerol". Never had a reaction before this. So they give him Benadryl and Morphine which knocks down his breathing and Oxygen intake and I freak again, because we can't take off the oxygen yet! My word, The last surgery was nothing like this. I sat there and cried because I couldn't do anything. I kept praying. Finally, after all of the CHAOS! he started to come out of it all and improve and stopped fighting. The hives went away after the Benadryl, and the oxygen was taken off, and he ate some crackers. He kept saying I want to go home! I could not blame him at all!

I know now that I will never leave the room again when it comes to my kids I will fight tooth and nail to stay! I also know that Some People have a huge lack of respect for others' beliefs and that I have no control over that at all. I do however have control over my reaction to them. I will not internalize and make myself sick about it! I love this program of Narcotics Anonymous and Recovery. If I didn't have it and the people in my life I surely would end up loaded! Thanks NA for saving my life!

The picture above is of me and my baby quite a while ago, but he's just as handsome!

I'm here again

I sit here thinking about all of the things going on around me. I had to give up my Hospitals and Institutions Meeting that I have taken into the jail for the last 4 years. I haven't not taken in H&I since I got clean. This helps carry the message to the still suffering addict. I cried. I will be out on the road the days that they are held at the jail so I can no longer go. I was devestated yet understanding of my requirements to help my family.

I will have to pray for the women to come together and make sure that it is covered each month. I have been doing some soul searching. My spouse likes to tell me when I get angry or when I feel upset, or what have you. It cracks me up because I know what I feel, and he thinks he knows.

I have really been working on the fact that I have no control. I don't want the control any longer. I used to want to control everything. Sadly I wasn't even aware of it! I have become blatantly aware now. The main time that I want to take the reigns again is when it comes to my kids.

I went to my class today to learn about the Kansas license for health insurance. My head was completely swimming! I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I hate test taking and freeze up. I am worried now. I am going to study all day tomorrow and Thursday and attempt to take it Thursday night or afternoon. I will just take each thing a step at a time. I am so ready to start my new job and make money. I want to get my vehicle paid off and get a truck or small suv to take out in the field with me.

Well, I guess I should go. I need to get a little rest. TTFN

I'm home

Wow! It was a very long trip, but I lived through it and feel right with the world. I went through a bit of self discovery while there.

1. There are addicts everywhere. I wasn't sure why I was clicking with one lady in particular, but she had a certain way about her. Lo and behold she was in Recovery! We had such a great conversation after the discussion ensued about recovery. We realized that it its such a very small world after all! Hey that's a song!

2. I am somebody, no one has to tell me this, or give me a boost regularly, I am a leader and I am worth many good things coming my way. Sometimes I lose sight of this. Actually, I can't ever say that I knew it for sure on the inside. I faked it a lot.

3. That I don't have to rely on others for my self worth! I guess this could go along with 2, but I like it being separate! I am me! I have a distinct personality and it is me! I am not my husband, or my family I am me! Sometimes I get lost in people and can't find myself. I am Darra! How awesome is that? I love music, I love to dance, I also love people. I am outgoing and can be really funny! I don't want to lose my sense of self.

4. I missed meetings! I wasn't able to go to meetings and missed them drastically. I also missed my loved ones, like CNC, my kids, and hubby. I missed my nieces and nephews too. I claim those kids as well. If you get used to a way of life for a while, it's hard to change. It's good to talk about it too! I should go to get some rest. This is another insane week for me!

Love to all!

I'm in Dallas!!!!

OMG! I really did it! Okay, so I made the journey and rode down here with two kids (21yr olds) and another guy and had pretty good conversation. I couldn't sleep! I am just so excited! I want to be done with all of the training and get out there! I literally get goose flesh when I think about this! My husband was telling me that I needed to carry about 20 apps with me a day, because he knows I am going to kick butt! I have never heard him this excited either. I didn't think I'd miss the kids, I don't! at least not yet anyway! My baby I do, but not much! It's only been a few hours! anyway, the conference is about to start and I need to go! I just wanted to let you all know where I'm at and what I'm up to this way! TTFN!

Cup of Tea anyone?

I'm sitting here with a nice warm cup of tea (herbal) and trying to get all of the thoughts out of my head so that I might be able to sleep. Today has been a little strange. My husband is losing his job at the end of March and things are so uncertain.

I am truly grateful though. A dear friend of mine has been at the hospital with her son for a few days and will be there a few more. You see he was shot in the chest with a small calliber gun and I was unaware of this, but the smaller the calliber the worse the damage because the bullet ricochets inside the body like a pinball machine. The bullet landed and lodged itself in his spine. At this point they can't tell if he will ever be able to walk again.

I am keeping the family in my prayers as I hope that you will too. I just realize how much I have to be grateful for. I have Faith today in my Heavenly Father, that no matter what happens from this point forward, We will be alright. I am going to go meditate now and let go. Have a wonderful night all and thank you for letting me share!

Today

It has been an interesting morning already. I have already cleaned up what the kids didn't, tried to not yell at the hubby, get laundry done, take a few deep breaths, run my daughter-in-law to work, listened to ranting and raving, and wondered what the hell is going on in my life? I guess I don't show my nephews that I love them or want them here enough because I told them I would not miss anyone while I'm gone next week. I will be training from 8 in the morning until 9 at night! I don't think I will have time to miss anyone!

I can't say what the future holds, I want so badly to succeed at this so that I can provide something to our family that we have never had before. I want to not have to worry about finances again. If I can succeed at that, I will be happy.

Complete

Tonight I sat with my husband, my two oldest boys and their wives and watched the movie "fireproof". All I can say is phenomenal! That has to of been the best movie I have seen in a long time. I laughed, cried, laughed some more and then at the end learned more! Just AWESOME!!!!
If you haven't seen it you should. I have always been a firm believer in making the marriage work anyway, this just made it even more clear to me. I enjoyed it so much. Even if your just in a relationship I would suggest watching it together.
Well, I am getting nervous again, I leave for Dallas Sunday morning at 10 am and I was told that I would be flying. I hate to fly so that was a relief, but then I was told I had to wait! I am hoping that it is set in stone this time. I am ready. I can't wait to make a career change and do my best! I hope that my kids will still be supportive a few months from now! They are ready to get rid of me right now! LOL!
Well I better go for now. Talk at ya'll later!

Hey ya'll

How's it going today? I got up at 5am and went back to sleep around 730 Potatoes make me sleep! I know better than to eat them@ any time!!!

I am so glad that I had my day to me yesterday. I am leading the birthday meeting tonight and I am super sad that CNC won't be there. I will miss her, but, I also celebrated with her on her day! I made spaghetti for dinner and I have to make a cake. I love to bake, but I don't like what it does to me!!!!

It's been a great day today. I was looking at the option of driving instead of flying. I hate to fly! I like to see where I am and I hate heights! I will save at least a hundred bucks driving! I think I will go that route if I can! In my little car (which I love) I can get there on 30.00. How cool is that?

I am so glad that I get to know others this way. I should go for now so that I can stop procrstinating and bake this cake

okay

I'm back it's late and I can't sleep again. I really enjoyed the music on the blogs I read last night! Pooh corner almost made me cry. I haven't heard that in years. I am laying here thinking about something that I really need to say. For years I went untreated in any way for the mental illness. I had attempted suicide a couple of times obviously yo no avail. Thanks to my Heavenly Father I am still here.

I windered for a long time what purpose do I serve? I finished up my scrapbook tonight. my first one and I couldn't believe all of the people that have touched my life in one way or another. I have heard from several people from my past recently. I think that there is a specific reason, I just don't know what that might be. Some I know I need to make amends to, others I guess it was time. For me I love the fact that I have the ability to be someone today. I also take my meds now whereas before noone thought I needed them. Let me be off of them for a while and see how they like it! LOL! Just kidding...

I don't play around today, I can't. Life is way too precious. well, gotta go for now. 5 am will come very early!

Well

I know that is a very deep subject! I finally got some sleep only to be woken up that the kids missed seminary again this morning. I am responsible for their upbringing but only to a point! LOL!!!

It has been such a lazy day for me thank goodness. I haven't been able to do anything for me all week unless I'm up until 130 in the morning! No good. I wanta sleep!

Anyway I'm just being silly at this point. I did some scapbooking last night and this morning and my pages are very cute I think. I love to do that in my spare time. I wish I had more!

I called on my testing for the new job and I will be going in for a class the 24th of Feb and Flying to Dallas to take a class for a week! I am so nervous about flying! I hate it!!! I would much rather drive. I leave on the 15th. It looks like Feb is going to be a very busy month!!!!

I think the most exciting thing is the end of the month though! we all get together as women and have a HUGE slumber party! I can't wait!!!! We girls really know how to Party CLEAN!!! I can't wait because there will be no Men, No KIDS and no dogs up my butt when I'm sleeping!!!!!

If you don't have one weekend in the year that you get together and do something as just Men or just women, try it sometime! this is the 14th annual I believe and I've been going since 2001! You talk about a blast! We get to eat what and when we want, and just PLAY!!!!

Okay, I'll stop making you jealous now. I need to get a shower and get out of my PJ's!

Much LOVE!

man, I just can't get enough!!

I was reading some interesting Blogs this evening and really haven't been able to stop! This can be it's own addiction I think! Thank you for all of your comments. I am finally starting to wear out. I don't get sleepy very easily anymore. I got so irritated earlier when I attempted to post a picture on or with my blog.

As you can see I love dolphins! I think they are the most incredible, serene and intelligent creatures. They love their children and communicate well. All that I aspire for my life. I think that if reincarnation is possible I was born in another life in the ocean!

Anyway, I also Love ducks and geese. I don't know why, but have you ever sat and watched them? They are so incredible! I will attempt to come back tomorrow!

Hey all!

I was going through some stuff trying to find something I lost. A poem that I written when I felt like I could hurt no more over abandonment. Wow My Heavenly Father a real wierd sense of humor.

I found everything but that poem! I found a letter from a young lady that I used to sponsor that ended up dating my son, then got loaded and is now expecting! I only pray she's clean! I haven't heard from her in a while.

I found pictures of my son when he was a little guy and almost started crying because OMG how time flies! I also found 3 pieces of metal. 1 says Love, 1 says Peace and 1 says Wisdom. I thought to myself, where did those come from and then realized that in one of my desperate attempts to try and fill that God void, I spent a fortune on little things that didn't mean a whole lot. At least not at that time.

For me today I so much Love in my life I can't count the ways it is shown, I am starting to feel that peace again that I once had and everyday my Heavenly Father gives me a little more wisdom than I had yesterday. It was definitely meant for me to find those tonight and a lot has happened in a few short years.

I am so blessed! I went to my interview this evening as a matter of fact because of that sense of humor thing again, and OMG! I can totally do this!!!!!! I am so stoked! I am going to Dallas for a whole week to be trained and I do not have to look at the teenagers in my house and suffer from testosterone poisoning from them!!!! YIPEE!!!!!! I can't wait! I am ready for a life altering change that can benefit my entire family.

I know that no matter what, my family is in the care of God and we will get through whatever is thrown our way with gratitude, peace, wisdom, and love.

Hello again

It's been a few days! I did okay with Ariel's birthday. I had to allow myself to FEEL. I don't do that enough I'm told. Today I allowed my son to pay for my nails to get done for my belated birthday present.

That's really huge for me. I don't like them to do for ME. I expect to do for them. I didn't get the one job I was disappointed at first, but I have come to realize that it wasn't in my stars. I have since been offered a position with a person I know from church. I am seriously considering it. I know that it isn't what my husband wanted me to do, but I think I can do this. I have faith in me today!!!!! We will see. I am not going to write a whole lot tonight. I have to take two boys in the morning to get their licenses. I am a little nervous about that:(

Have a great night and a wonderful day tomorrow.

In Memory of my daughter

I know that her birthday is actually tomorrow, but I am not sure how I will be then. Tomorrow Ariel would have been 17 years old. She was so small. You would never believe how tiny a little one could be. She was the most delicate one I have ever seen.

I wonder what she would like, who she would be, how she would hold herself, the little things.

She was born Jan 29, 1992 and passed away Feb 3, 1992. Let me take you back with me a little.

I will never forget the day I was told I was pregnant with her. My ex-husband told me that I was crazy all of the time and I always thought I was pregnant. I knew with her. I knew that day in the office in the German hospital that I was having a girl as well. No one knew how I was feeling at that moment.

I had decided that I needed to make a choice of staying with my ex-husband or not. I decided to come back to the states for a few months and decide here. I was huge already! I found out in August, I wasn't due for a while, but I felt like a cow! I was whopping 120 lbs soaking wet at that point. I had decided to take really good care of myself this pregnancy and not drink or whatever else. I had already given birth to one child that had problems. I wanted a healthy little girl.

I came to stay with my mom and her kids for a couple of months until My ex came home on leave and then I could decide. I craved Ding Dongs like CRAZY! I also wanted milk and cookies all of the time. I went to my doctors appointments regularly and everything. When my ex came home on leave I ended up falling down the stairs and I kept having these horrific nightmares that I lost Ariel. I had her name picked out already. I went to the doctor to ensure that all was fine still and that I could travel. Obviously I made the decision to go back.

There is a lot I am leaving out to protect the innocent (well, they weren't that innocent), but anyway, I get back to Germany on one of the worst flights imaginable. My ex has turned into a total d###. Everything I did was wrong! I started regretting my decision immediately. I wanted my mom, anybody. He starts telling me to get the house cleaner because I'm not doing it well enough, and that I should go to the gym and get some of the weight worked off that I'm gaining.

I started feeling even more worthless than before I left. I had already started having contractions at this point and I'm being told that I need to do more. I got up one day to take care of my oldest son and then made dinner for him and my ex. I went to lay down and I my water burst that night. I felt so much guilt for not doing what the doctor told me to I wanted to die. We go to the first hospital and they stick me in a room for 3 days to let me go into labor naturally. I never did.

I was told the 3rd day that when Ariel came into the world they would lay her on a table and let her die since there would be no hope anyway. I died that moment. I made my ex take me to another hospital that would at least try to help her. We got there and by that time we were both so infected that they thought that neither of us were going to live through the ordeal. They let me eat a meal and started the enduction the following morning after administering tons of antibiotics to try to let me live at least.

I went into labor finally and delivered after several hours of HELL! I wanted to hold her. I knew for sure that she was dead I kept screaming out, how my only girl was dead, and that I hated my ex, and I hated God! How could this happen to me. what had I done to deserve such torture! I wanted to die. I wanted them to take me too and I never wanted to leave her. I was then told she was still alive and they took her out of the room to help her!

I had some hope, I still didn't carry much. If she did die I would find a way to be with her. I went to my room and they got me fixed up and her as well, I wasn't allowed to breast feed because my milk wasn't ready. I went to see her in the incubator. You could see through her skin. I wanted to hold her, but my ex told me no. I would never let go if I did. I just sat there and prayed.

I never did get to hold my angel. She died after I left the hospital. I got a phone call to tell me she had passed. We shipped her body home on Valentines day that year and buried her 3 days later I think. I hated my ex for so long that I thought that he would burst in flames everytime I looked at him. I no longer hate him. I feel so much pitty for him. He is a very unhappy man from

what I understand. I have since been sealed to my baby along with my husband DeWayne for all time and eternity. I would not have Brandon if I had not lost Ariel. I love him so much that I can't begin to tell anyone. They didn't think that I would be able to carry him. He is a miracle. I chose not to have anymore children to not hurt myself. Sometimes I wish I would have tried again for a girl, but I am so blessed with all of the beautiful girls around me. Heavenly Father blessed me after all!

So very grateful

I was just fiddling with facebook the other day and sent a message to a woman with no expectations except that I would be thought of as crazy again, and I get a reply that this is the same person I have been looking for for years!!!!

I started crying I had to compose myself! It was so awesome to hear from her and to know that she found happiness finally when she didn't think she would. I can remember so many years ago the help and encouragement she gave me when I didn't think that I deserved any and she was incredible!

Anyway, I am going to do H&I tonight and I am looking forward to it. I was at a function this weekend and someone who knew me ( I only recognized the face ) called me by name and hugged me tight and thanked me for being one who helped get her clean...

I stood there confused a moment until she told me that I had taken meetings into the jail when she was there and that she looked so forward to being able to go to her first meeting outside of jail because of that. It started her journey. I wept. (I weep a lot if you have't figured that out yet) My Higher Power helped me to see what exactly my service is doing for the area and the Fellowship around me. Sometimes I feel as if I don't do enough. I know that I do in my heart. I can't carry the Fellowship. When things have to get done they get done. Not because of me, but because our Higher Power takes care to make sure it's done. If we think we are in control today, our Higher Power laughs his butt off!

I don't want that control. I can only control the nose on my face and what's behind it nothing else! I LOVE RECOVERY!!!!!!!

As I sit here

It souds like I sit alot, but I feel like I never get a moment to breathe. I have finally got a little caught up on some reading. I must thank CNC for the reward and comments. She is my best friend and keeps me on the sane side of life when I am llosing my mind!

Today has been an insane day. I do not want another one like it any time soon. It's not like I did anything that doesn't happen on a usual day, it just felt overwhelming!!!!! I have got to learn that two letter word! No!

I was encouraged to yell out HELL NO earlier by CNC, unfortunately that can be taken the wrong way sometimes or taken out of context. I have had so many things going through my brain today.

I want to find out what options I have since the whole world seems to be getting laid off! I was told that a lot of the Aircraft companies are able to let thier workers go to school while drawing unemployment! Don't get me started. Actually, no I want to say it.

I have worked since I was 16 years old non-stop trying to make a better life for me and my family. Most of us do. I came from a life of complete poverty. We had nothing. I remember a time that we dug through garbage to get aluminum to sell just to eat. I also remember the bleeding hands from the pecans that we picked in the dead of winter for the farmers to eat maybe hot dogs smothered in barbeque sauce just to cover the taste. Or beans for 2 weeks straight and who had money for rice? Now I hurt in my hands and my knees.

I really am getting to a point. I am to the point now where I sit back and watch people that come out of the State building dressed in 200.00 jeans and Coach bags and yet they get help. I am there taking my mother who is completely disabled and can't walk without a walker anymore to get foodstamps after she was denied for 15 YEARS! She supposedly made too much! WHAT??????

I am trying to figure out what has happened to our country. I understand people that need help, I do, but the ones that don't really hack me off! I want to work and can't find a job, My husband finds out Friday when his last day is and I just get so sick to my stomach about it all. I really wonder how those people that drive away from the State Building in Cadillacs sleep at night.

I wouldn't be able to. I know that I kind of went off there, sorry. I am just trying to get the emotions out that have been oent up for a while. I know that it's going to be even harder to find work soon, and just getting worried. I know to worry is a lack of faith. I try not to worry too much anymore. I just swore that I would never live as I did before. I get a little wierd about the whole poverty thing. My children have never seen times like these. They would die if they had no cable. It's about to go!

I have been reading this book called the total money makeover. It's really good. Anyway, I will get off of my high horse now and get on to bed hopefully. I don't really sleep well without my husband here because of house noises. They drive me nuts. I hope all of you have a great day tomorrow!!!!

Hey

I was sitting here relaxing a moment. (I really don't get that pleasure very often) I figured I would jot a few things that are in my head down and get them out! My son had surgery two days ago and he is laid up on the blow up mattress in my living room. I am a little stressed! :) I feel as if my hair is going fifty million directions and I know it's not!

He is doing well, I just feel out of sorts I guess. I haven't really been taking care of myself in all of it. I have been really bitchy and in dire need of sleep! I am going to sleep this weekend if it kills me! I know that if I don't I will not feel any better.

I still haven't heard about my only job interview that I've been on and I'm trying not to project about that. It is really hard to stay in today sometimes.

wow

I'm sitting here watching a movie with my little niece Destaney, now Jasmine is here. I love them so much! I feel like I have been blessed with girls from my brothers. They are so beautiful, and I am allowed to spoil them ROTTEN!!!!! I will type more later.

Lesson in POWERLESSNESS

You know my Higher Power must have a great sense of humor. I say that with all sincerity. I was supposed to go to the doctor with my sister today and see what they said about a softball sized lump in her breast. Well, to sum it up, the first appointment for the sonogram of it was not able to be kept and they had to just keep the actual mammogram.

Now just as I was driving to the appointment I call her to tell her I'm running late, she tells me this. I'm the QUEEN of Control Freaks! So I ask her if she is okay with Lance going with or if she wants me there. She tells me that she wants to call me and tell me what they say. I have to accept what she said. Now I was not sure that she was being honest or not, but I had to accept it it. I cried.

I got out of my car in front of my house and went in to wait and find out the results of the mammogram later. I am sitting there and the phone rings and my sister tells me that the systems are down and they can't run the tests until the 28th! How absolutely annoying!!!!!

I sat there a moment and then asked the most stupid question, Are you okay with that? She says to me in her 24 yr old infinite wisdom I kind of have to be don't I? I sat there stunned and a little speechless for a moment. I agreed then let her know that I would be here for her if she needed me.

Like I said, My Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor. I get little lessons in life when I need them. I am okay with it and will put this in my God box.

Thanks for listening!

Just For Today

I was sitting in a meeting tonight and I lead the Friday meeting at my Home group, which my feeling is the best home group on the planet! Anyway, back to what I was saying, I like to shake things up and piss people off once in a while so I wrote a few topics on pieces of paper and and people draw the paper out of the bucket to share what their Higher Power felt was signifigant for them.

I wanted them to not look at what they had drawn until it was time to share, but people have a way about them and do whatever they want! It was one of the best meetings I have attended in a long time! I got so much out of it because people shared from the heart and from what their Higher Power wanted, not what they wanted.

I heard about grief over dope, I heard about taking things a day at a time, the 1st step, resentments and denial of them, and most of all I heard of HOPE!

My Higher Power has placed things and people in my life that I have to be so very grateful for. I love the way that He allows me to be me, and teaches me acceptance, patience, and tolerance of others on a daily basis.

I went for my interview today and I have hope today. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be employed again. I survived the interview! That in and of itself was great! Normally they only take about 2 hours, Mine was past the parking time limit for visitors parking! I think that is a good sign.

I am loving life today and I have given my will and my life over to the God of my understanding. Sometimes I admit that I take that back. Today, I don't want it. I need that off of me to sleep well and get over being sick. I am grateful to those who come to my meetings and share their recovery with me.

Also thank you to Syd and Clean and Crazy for sharing with me as well! much love!

Today is today

Well, I took Brandon in to find out when he has to have his Ortho surgery on his knees. Both of them have to be worked on and I am a little worried. I know that to worry is a lack of faith. I trust that my Higher Power will guide the surgeon's hand, I am more worried about Brandon taking the pain medicine.

I don't get tempted to steal it by any means, I just can't stand the way he gets while taking it. He becomes very irritable. Like your typical junkie. I will pray my bum off during this time and call my sponsor a lot!

I apologize, I sometimes have a lot of things bounce in and out of my head so if I go a little haywire that is why! My sister-in-law was briefly shown on American Idol last night! That was exciting. I get a little envious of the youth sometimes! I would not change the fact that I am older though. I don't want to re-live anything at all! Once was enough!!!!

I have this cough that isn't going away again. It started as a stomache ache on Friday of last week and everything went haywire afterward. I am not sure what the deal is. I will be glad when it's gone though!!!:)

Well, I think I've bored you enough I am going to a meeting tonight. Much love!

Time has passed

I am sitting here again, this time the day has passed and it's almost tomorrow. I have had such a Wonderful Birthday!!!!!
I have learned how to use this whole Blog thing, (well, sort of) and I also updated Myspace, Facebook, AND Get ready for it........ I have and interview FRIDAY!!!!! Woo HOOO!!!!!
I can't friggin wait! I needed this so badly. I talked to all of my kids today, they all called me but one daughter. I'm okay with that! I was able to talk to my best friend, and my lil' man called me to tell me happy birthday too!

I'm sad that tomorrow is the anniversary of my best friend's mom's death, but I know that I will see her again, and I also know that I can be there for her and her girls. A while back that wasn't possible. Just recently, I was so overwhelmed at the fact that they are still in my life and that we are so close.

I love her children so much, and she has the most beautiful heart. Sometimes I don't think she knows just how strong she is. Sometimes I get envious that she got the girls, but I enjoy the fact that they are in my life so much the envy goes out the window!

My baby's birthday is at the end of this month. She would have been 17 this year. I wonder what she would be like. My heart aches at times, but other times it doesn't. I think that after so long, Heavenly Father allows us to just to be. It's been at least a year since I've been to her graveside. I want to go, but I don't.

One day, I will hold her like I wasn't able to do here on earth. I really am okay about it all at this point I think. I went to a meeting the other day and ran into a woman I hung out with as a youth, and she was around during that time in my life. She still can't listen to "The Dance" to this day. It's definitely hard for me too.

I was also looking at pictures of the ones that I love here with me in life today. I am so very blessed with the men that I have in my life, and my youngest is very handsome. I would not have him at all if I hadn't lost my daughter. I Love him so much!

It's late, and I have to take that baby to the Ortho Surgeon tomorrow morning. Life on lif'e terms!

I am sitting here today thinking about the fact that I'm 37 yrs old today, and I'm not employed right now, and really have no idea what I want to be! I have thought for years that I should be a daycare provider but I have raised my kids! I don't want to raise anyone elses! I'll have to write more later

I'm back, I was sitting her looking through photos of my gorgeous grandchildren on myspace accounts, and realized that I am listed as Step Mom under one of my kids. I have never thought of them like that and it just hurt. I took it way personal. I thought we got through that when the girls were like 5 and 7. It just reopened that old wound of the EVIL STEP MOTHER!!!!!! I hate that. I know I never gave birth to them, but I know I have been even more of a mother even far away than their own mom there in the same city.